Are We Hardwired for Misery? A New Year's Resolution

887 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

During my holiday vacation, I returned to my grandmother's house to find my mother broken-hearted and near tears. Unfortunately, during this holiday season, I knew this moment would come. I had hoped that this visit we would be spared this particular holiday tradition, but alas no such luck. Family drama struck its deadly blow right across my mother's cheek and ricocheted to slap me in the face with its mighty swing. Another trip home where my mother and I curled together in the sadness of our loss.

Without going into details, the drama's outcome was that I didn't see my niece's angelic smile that lights my world with giggles. Her silly stories weren't told while she sat on my lap. I didn't get to see her eyes sparkle when she opened the pendant I bought her.

It didn't have to be this way, but it was.

It made me think about how much time people spend harboring stupid vendettas, re-telling how they've been hurt, and living the pain of the past. As I walked through stores and stopped at the coffee shop, I saw the stress in people's faces. While visiting friends, I heard the stories of heartache experienced during the year. I turned on the television to the news broadcasting world horrors.

Why is life painful and why do we harbor the hurt? Are we hard-wired to seek negativity?

As I retold the family drama, venting my frustration and hurt over and over to anyone who would listen, I pondered the fact that I was letting this stress overtake my vacation. It shadowed my holiday spirit. I carried the torch of someone's drama and gave it power. No matter how much I wanted to stop, I didn't seem able.

It was supposed to be the season of peace and love - a time of forgiveness and the celebration of family and friendship. Yet for many it was filled with stress, drama, and life falling short of expectations. Why?

I don't have answers. I'm beginning to lose my faith that mankind is filled with goodness. I'm beginning to believe that people enjoy their drama more than happiness.

I don't want to be one of these people. I want to love life with every cell in my body. I want to cherish all that is good from the crunchy white snow on the ground to the yummy peppermint hot chocolate I'm drinking while writing this.

I've realized this journey of going after my 101 dreams come true is more about learning to live from joy, fascination, and wonder than it is about accomplishing a list of dreams. This journey is about changing my hard-wiring to focus on happiness instead of misery. I think I might have a long way to go before I stop getting caught in the updraft of the soap operas around me, but this year its my New Year's resolution.

Stilling the Inner Worrier

895 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

I woke early this morning to the sound of my grandmother's alarm. I rolled over on the air mattress in my mom's office and covered my head. Jet-lag hit hard. I had planned on sleeping late. It's Tuesday and last Thursday was the last time I had a full night's sleep. As I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep my head whirred with noise. Not the outer: my grandmother walking to the kitchen or the heating vent crackling as hot water ran through, but the inner junk noise that's a constant companion.

I'm sure you know the voice. The one that never shuts up. It makes to-do lists and causes worry that there isn't enough time. It logs the problems of life and complains about the injustices. It swings from anxiety to sadness then tries to boost itself with an unrealistic idea of what life should be. Fun stuff.

As I sat listening to its familiar garble I stepped back and realized that it was almost separate from me. This voice that seems to be an authority on why things are wrong never talks about what is right. Who really is this voice? Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth calls it the ego - the ever present complainer and seeker of misfortune.

I'm really bored with this ego and I'd like it to shut-up.

I stood and looked out the window at the backyard covered in white powder, the bare trees decorated with bright-colored birdhouses, and to the sun rising behind my grandfather's maple sugar shack. I took a deep breath and centered my mind to the present. The noise of the ego tried to fight, but as I took in the beauty of the backyard it's voice deadened. I thought to the symphony I went to on Saturday night. The memory of the clear sound of the chorus singing, "Alleluia" vibrated my body. The concert tickets had been a surprise Christmas gift along with two beautiful lenses for my camera.

I can't control everything, I thought. Life will never be exactly what I expect it to be and all the planning in the world won't cause less missteps or pain. But letting go and enjoying every moment, being present without expectations of what life will bring, will free me of the worry that I create. The anxiety I make for myself doesn't solve any problems. And if I plan every detail of what I want, then I leave out room for the wonderful surprises such as seeing a symphony I didn't even know I wanted to see.

I have my dreams that I will actively pursue, but if I allow life to unfold without making more muck for myself then I get to spend more time enjoying the beauty of what is happening instead of crying about what I wish was taking place or worrying what might hurt me.

If only this process was easy. Why were we born with egos?

At least I can give it a try.

Will This Mind of Mine Just Shut Up

899 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

Have you ever had the problem that your spirit feels right about something but your head just talks a bunch of poo? I believe my head, or at least the part in the back right quadrant is getting in my way!

The spirit and gut says, that going after my dreams is the right thing to do. That making all of this public can inspire people. It screams to have fun, don't stress, and allow this journey to unfold in the most joyous way possible.

The back quadrant is throwing a tantrum. It nags all the time causing worry and stress. It reminds me that I'm thirty-six and that I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. It tells me that I'm going to fail and that I can never accomplish all these dreams. I'm never going to get a book deal. No one is going to care about this website or this journey. I won't find the money to travel all over the world. I'm going to go broke if I stop worrying and just enjoy life. I will never have kids if I do this. I'm going to end up alone.

Who is this voice and how do I stomp her out?

I know she might be right. But I don't care. I want this. I want to take this journey and go after my dreams without the nagging voice. I want to crush my fears and say, "You're not allowed. Get out of my party." I want to stop seeing what could go wrong and focus on what has already gone right. I want to open my heart and trust in a higher power. I want to be present in the moment, whatever that moment is.

But how?

The Gift of Solo Travel

901 Days to Complete 101 Dreams

Last night a friend said to me, "I pulled a Marci. I had a free weekend at a resort and didn't have anyone to go with so I went alone and had the best time."

I love that she called it, "pulling a Marci".

It's true. I've traveled the world by myself. I've sat alone in the Piazza Signora in Florence eating decadent chocolate while reading a book as lovers strolled by arm and arm. I've stood at Jungfraujoch, the top of Europe, staring at the Swiss Alps with my arms raised out like I could fly. In Paris I walked solo through the Louvre taking the time I desired with each painting. In Kauai, I hiked through the jungles, sailed on a catamaran, snorkeled, and boogie-boarded. Africa was the most remarkable as I traveled through three countries drinking wines in South Africa, rafting the Zambezi, riding in dug-out canoes, and exploring the earth on walking safaris. One of the greatest vacations was a month in Palm Springs where I went to restore my spirit and write while relaxing every day in the Marriott's spa. It isn't strange for me to get in my car and take off in a direction with no idea where I will end up.

If I add up all the weeks I have traveled solo, it would be close to 3/4 of a year's time.

During most of these solo excursions I wasn't single. People would always remark, "You're boyfriend will let you be away that long?"

My response, "No one let's me do anything. I choose how I live my life and I don't come to a relationship without explaining that solo travel is a part of who I am." Many men have found my independence sexy. Some have had difficulties with me being away for long periods of time, but in the end, I need solo travel.


It was hard when I first started to see the world solo. I was afraid. Most of the time I didn't know the language. Loneliness smacked me in the face as fatigue would set in and I only had me to rely on. Nights were always the most difficult as I watched couples in fancy restaurants enjoying dinner while laughing.

But solo travel gave me the gift of myself. I found courage as I problem-solved my way out of glitches, such as accidentally booking a brothel instead of a hotel my first night in Paris. I came to enjoy fancy dinners for one as I took the time to eat at my pace; I savored the taste of the food, took in the ambiance of the restaurant, and enjoyed a good book.

I fear the world less. I've made friends who have shared their countries with me. I trust my instincts more and worry less when trip-ups happen in life.

When you travel with friends you're always keeping time or waiting for someone. You have to check in with what others want. This is fine, and sharing experiences is spectacular. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel with my friends and my partner, but it's a different experience.

The greatest gift of solo travel, is the time to take care of myself and not worry about anyone else. I get to spoil myself and do exactly what I feel like without needing to check in with anyone else. If I want to read till one in the morning and then sleep till eleven I can. If I want to dance till the wee hours I do.

I also believe that when you travel alone you are more aware of your surroundings, therefor you experience life in high definition.

I dare you to try it if you haven't before. Take off for a weekend. Go someplace you've always wanted to see. Or just go to a town filled with fun things to do. Spoil yourself rotten. Sit on a beach by yourself and listen to your own thoughts. It might be the greatest experience of your life.

The True Gift of Friendship

902 Days to Make 101 Dreams Come True

It's been a crazy few weeks. I'm sure most people can relate. Between trying to enjoy every special moment of the holiday season, to dealing with inner demons, the emotional ride has spun, flipped, and dropped making my stomach uneasy. In the end, I was given the greatest gift I could receive - knowing I'm loved not for what I give to others, but for who I am.

By sharing my feelings of being a doormat, a friend who was dealing with her own stuff, turned to me and held out her hand. She saw that I gave more than I had and explained that loving her doesn't mean I have to make her problems disappear. She really looked at me. I have a tendency to hide my fears, anxieties, and worries. I dance through life keeping an upbeat attitude, but it doesn't mean there isn't a storm inside. Because of this, people believe that I don't need help.

I have a history of giving the world to people. I was once called Julie, the social director from the Love Boat. I made everyone's lives fun and exciting. I was there to talk in their times of stress. When I had to back off from being the social, bubbly director, people turned and attacked.

In going after making my 101 dreams come true, I asked to find a group of positive people who loved to get the most out of life. This week, I've realized that my dream really did come true. I'm surrounded by people who have supported me in learning that it's not what I do for them that makes them love me, but it's who I am. I don't always have to be the cheerleader, I can fall apart.

Out of all the dreams that could come true, I believe this is my favorite. Thank you Jasmin, you really are a great gift in my life. And thank you to David, Todd, Kelli, Jim, Mignon, Dave, Leann, my mom, and all the others in my life who were there for me as I fell apart. I'm truly blessed.

Now it's time to get back to making this list of dreams come true. Onward to planning S. America. Two more weeks till I get to go to Gillette Stadium for a Patriot's game. Can I put in a wish for them to win too?

Aligning Your Dreams With Your Actions

909 Days Left to Complete My List of Dreams

The thing about saying that I'm no longer a doormat (check yesterday's post) is that I have to take responsibility for my part in the situation. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

What I've realized is that if I want to change how things happen in my life and how people treat me, then I need to stop saying, "Come to me with all your problems and I will be here asking nothing in return." Life and people will treat me the way I allow them to.

My focus needs to be on making my dreams come true. By putting my attention on everyone's worries and fears and trying to make their lives better I'm pushing my needs to the sidelines. It's like saying that I want to lose weight while eating three brownies with ice cream. Or declaring that I want to travel the world, but refusing to get on an airplane.

Our actions don't always align with our dreams. What we want becomes out of sync with our lives when we won't look at our fear. I feared the loss of those I loved, not being liked, and ending up alone. The idea that I might hurt someone's feelings would break me. So I gave more than I had to give. I forgave more than I should have and allowed myself to be walked all over.

When I face the fears within they become smaller. It's not easy; it's quite hard. In the end I have one life to live. Will I spend it taking care of others or will I learn to take care of myself?

The only way to be truly self-less is to first be selfish. I'm not certain who said this, but it rings true.

Everyone has dreams. Those that accomplish them put actions, thoughts, and energy towards their goals. Where are you putting your action today?

The End of Being a Doormat

910 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

I've always seen the best in people. When someone is hurting, my hand extends believing they simply need love. I have tried to face all conflicts keeping the other person's feelings in my heart and mind. I have given until exhaustion and it takes a tremendous amount to push me to anger.

But since I've started this journey something is beginning to change; what I once believed was strength is beginning to look like weakness.

I've realized I let people walk all over me. For example, last year a friend's jealous girlfriend called me on a regular basis to tell me everything she thought of me and it wasn't nice. She then spread hurtful rumors (I've realized the seventh grade never ends). Instead of telling her to stick it where the sun don't shine I tried to make her feel better. After they broke up she told me how she cursed me everyday upon waking and prayed for my life to be hell. She still believes that I'm the reason she's unhappy even though I was always kind to her.

I wish this was an isolated experience, but it isn't. Jealousy has been an emotion that others have thrown at me throughout my life.

All summer my energy went to friends and their dramas. I couldn't enjoy the beautiful life I'd created because I was surrounded by people dumping their pain and depression. For the most part I felt drowned by those I loved.

I ponder the time that has passed as I have listened to people's problems and insecurities, lifting them up out of their sadness, taking care of them in their hour of need, only to have them turn and hurt me. Sucker must be written on my forehead. I will lend a hand to anyyone, but what I'm realizing is that people don't want to rise to happiness they want someone to blame for their own insecurities and problems.

I don't have time for the Eeyores of the world right now. I have 910 days to complete over sixty of my dreams. So when someone throws their bad mood at me or their problems and then walks away leaving me carrying their hurt I'm no longer taking it. I'm telling them that it isn't fair and that I can't help them at this time. This is something very new for me. I've realized I've been a doormat for most of my life - treat me however you wish and I will take it and only give you love in return.

That me is gone. I hope. Okay find the strength again.....say it with gusto....that me is gone. I deserve better in life than people who consistently come to me for the lift and then leave me exhausted. I deserve to keep my energy for my life. I deserve my own happiness and to stop carrying the sadness of others. I am responsible for my life and emotions.

The response to me saying, 'no' hasn't been positive.

But how much more of my life will I waste taking care of those who should be taking care of themselves? It's time to put that energy to more positive endeavors.

Learning to Stop

913 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

For the last few days I've wanted to curl under my blankets and not come out. Exhaustion has hit me hard along with the blues.

This is a hard thing to face. I have an amazing life. I get to wake up and go figure skating while being surrounded by people I admire and love. I get to come home and work on going after my dreams. I trade massages with my girlfriend every week. I go dancing and my life is filled with fun that sometimes there isn't time to rest.

Aah! There in itself is the problem. This journey of going after my dreams is intense. In the last two months I have bought a new car, taken a figure skating test (which is stressful as you perform in front of judges and a crowd), have traveled every few weeks, and have tried to learn about the internet and marketing. I'm awaiting news on a book deal which is a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Then I look at the last year. Today is the one year anniversary of my Achille's tendon surgery. The long, painful road to recovery was grueling, but since recovering I have made over ten of my dreams come true. There hasn't been much time to stop.

I once asked someone why they didn't go after their dreams and they responded, "It takes too much energy to go past the fear of failure or disappointment." I will attest that going after your dreams is really about walking through your fear, doubt, and the little voice that says, "Who are you to have this?".

Beyond the intensity has been a bigger problem. I'm a chronic giver. Someone needs something and before I can even let my brain think if this is something I can do I offer to give it to them, or to fix it for them. I want to make everyone's life easier and I will put myself last each and every time.

As I was riding my bike on Thanksgiving Day I was enjoying the trees, the beautiful river, the glorious sunny day, and then I started to fall apart. I began to realize how many people had dumped their problems on me in the last few months. I thought to myself, if one more person needs me I'm going to lose it. It was at this moment that I realized I was overwhelmed and tired. I needed a soft, safe place to land, but only had me to rely on.

A friend did help me that weekend, but it was to find the strength to tell another friend that I couldn't be there for her in the way she needed. Guilt hit me and took me to a bad place inside. I felt unworthy of all the greatness that had come to me. I felt selfish and horrible. It broke me apart inside.

A week later, I'm still coming to terms with the person who put herself first. It's not something I'm accustomed to doing. I've realized that giving the shirt off my back in the freezing cold to someone else just leaves me freezing.

I can only give what I can and nothing more. I'm not super-human. I don't have limitless energy unless I take the time to care for myself. Stopping is important even when I have to stop going after all that I desire if it means I'm pushing too hard.

So I know on this journey there will be times when I must stop. I know that I will have to walk away and say it's time for a break from pushing through fears and doubts. But am I really capable of stopping or putting myself first?

I guess I'll find out as I take this journey.

It's Never Too Late to Make Your Dreams Happen

916 Days to Make My Dreams Happen

We are a nation focused on youth. We believe we must be successful early in life. We push our young to peak in sports by the time they're teenagers and we're amazed when a man or women in their thirties still competes professionally. We think we must accomplish everything before thirty. When that doesn't happen we try to complete our lists by forty. It seems that if we've come to a certain age and haven't accomplished our dreams the chance has passed never to return. I've heard the comment, "Well I used to dream about doing things, but then life happened and I grew up."

People are constantly trying to push back the clock with serums, plastic surgery, and supplements. They're so afraid of aging. Part of the reason is the change in their appearance, but I believe it's more about the dreams that have been unrealized. By a certain age they expected to be in a place in their lives, and when it didn't happen they try to grab more time.

It's never too late to realize a dream. Maybe it won't look the same. I'm never going to go to the Olympics to compete in skating. Sure, I could try by pushing my body for five hours per day on the ice six days per week, but for me it's not worth it. The fact that I get to step onto the ice and live my passion is life fulfilling.

Recently, at a world recreational skating competition, I had the chance to meet an eighty-four-year-old skater. This woman amazed the crowd. She competed in over five events doing programs from one to two minutes in length. Programs aren't easy. To skate consistently for two minutes makes a young girl breath heavy. This woman jumped, spun, and did spirals. When I spoke with her she said, "You either move or you die. I do what I love and that keeps me young. Age is all in your mind no matter what you look like on the outside."

So with that said, I hope this video inspires you to go after life with gusto - to move towards your dreams without thought to age. My friend recorded this video from the stands and it's hard to see but this woman was twirling batons while skating. www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdcPbTWsqZc

Gratitude for a Trash Bin

923 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

I had a moment yesterday when I was grateful for a recycling bin. I know it sounds crazy, but as I gathered my mail and placed the overflowing pile of flyers into the bin, I realized how lucky I was to have a home. This was my recycling bin where I could place my trash and someone would take it away. I looked down at the envelopes in my hand, and though there was a bill for my health insurance premium, a sense of gratitude flooded my stomach as I realized that I had the money to pay it. I stared at my house, this place that gave me a sense of security, and it felt like a hug around my body.

Someone I know is sad today, broken without the strength to move forward. Everyone knows the darkness of pain when tragedy happens and how deep it can hurt. Today I'm grateful that I can notice the beautiful trees brilliant with color, for my warm comfortable bed, and my fluffy down comforters. I'm grateful for friends and family, for my cat curled against me. I'm grateful that I can give my friend a safe place to land.

There are many moments on this journey when I wonder how I'm going to accomplish everything I desire. I focus on my goals, and I take the steps to achieve my dreams. I get scared and frustrated as I worry about failure. Sometimes I forget to be grateful that I'm in a position to at least try for everything I want. Many people are in survival mode.

Hug someone today. Pay attention to the little details of this amazing world. Tell the people in your life you love them. Realize your abundance. It's easy to complain about the things we wish were different, but it just makes us miserable. There is enough real pain in the world and horrendous heartache. Don't let the small stuff stop you from realizing how amazing your life is right now.

Onto the Next Dream

927 Days Left to Complete My List of Dreams

There's a big smile beginning to form on my face. My heart is fluttering and I feel like I'm falling in love with what might happen. Okay, so I'm being really cheesy, but sometimes I get bored being straight forward. If I could write this blog like mini short stories that could whisk you away from daily life with scenes and sensations I would. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a perfectionist when it comes to my fiction writing that it would take all day and sometimes a week to weave a story and I would never get anything else done. I promise in the future that I will surprise you with tales of adventure that read like fiction. It will be like my blog fantasy line.

Back to today and why I'm excited. I'm starting to plan my trip to S. America. This afternoon I received an email from a rafting and kayaking company in Chile. They're outlining an amazing ten day camping itinerary that includes rafting, kayaking, camping, hiking, mountain biking, and horseback riding. The best part, they are almost half the price of the other companies I've contacted. Woo Hoo!

I can already see the aqua water of the Futaleufu. I can feel the rush of the powerful rapids as we punch through holes. To see one of the most pristine rivers left on earth is the trip of my dreams. Many more things will have to come together and I will need to do all of it in the next month. I'm hoping that I can make this a two month trip throughout S. America. I want to hike the Inca trail, see the Galapagos, the Amazon, Igaussu falls, dance the Tango in Argentina ( I better start taking Tango lessons), visit my friends in Columbia, and hang glide and scuba dive in Rio de Janeiro. Everything will need to be planned and finances arranged within the next month. I don't know how it's going to happen, I just believe that it will.

The first part is falling into place. Now I just have to wait to see how the rest unfolds.

Without a Plan

928 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

I'm a planner. I like to know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. I make lists and goals and steps to complete them.

But life never works out the way I plan.

If I really look at what I had intended for this stage of my life I would be married with children and living in a little house on a lake. But that didn't happen. Instead, I'm taking time to live for myself. I'm going after everything I desire. I'm spoiling myself and having fun. I've come to realize that in the past I squashed the tiny voice inside me that was trying to yell that I wanted time for me first. I listened to society instead of my heart.

I look at this list of dreams and I don't know how I'm going to accomplish any of it. Every day, I worry that I'm making a big mistake, but so many things have come to me in unexpected ways that I can't stop. It seems that when I decide to move in the direction of my dreams, a path, which I didn't know existed, opens up.

The cool thing about not having a plan, is that it's like having Christmas every day. I never know what surprise will happen or what idea will come to me, or who I will meet that will bring my dreams one step closer. I just have to keep walking through my fear and saying, "I can do this."

I believe that unhappiness comes from squashing the tiny voice inside that wants to get big. Many times it's suppressed because we're too afraid to listen. Then we wonder why our lives are stuck. If we let the inner voice speak, what we really want begins to manifest in our lives.

Staying True to Yourself

930 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

Before I made this list of dreams I spent most of my time trying to please others. I felt joy and love when my friends and family were happy. When I began to live for myself things changed for many people. I wasn't as available to fulfill their lives. I was still willing to be there for a friend whenever they needed me, but my focus turned more internal. As I achieved my dreams and began to live a life that over-flowed, there were people who judged me: I've been told that I'm selfish for the way I live my life; that I'm too outgoing; my long-time friend told me that she no longer respected my life. My relationship failed because he wanted me to be someone who stayed close to home. By going after my dreams I have lost many people and it stings my heart.


What's strange is that I tried to bring these friends along for the ride. I asked them to salsa dance or go skating. I shared my dreams and asked them to join me on my travels. Some friends cheered me on and asked to join. Others saw only what they would lose or their jealousy. If they would listen they would know that this journey isn't easy. I get scared, and for once I need the support from my loved ones.

In the end I can only be me. The person I want to be right now is the one that's willing to settle for nothing less than magnificence in her life. I'm proud of myself and this journey and I won't change for anyone. If someone really loves a person, shouldn't they want them to have everything they desire?

The Good Life

934 Days to make 101 Dreams Come True

When I think about my life, I see all the things that I want to make happen. Every day I imagine what it would be like to sign a book contract with a major publisher. I can envision myself traveling the world: seeing the Mountain Gorillas, diving the Maldives, and dancing the Tango in Beunos Aires. It's great to think about the wonders that I hope to experience, but it doesn't stop me from being present.

It would be easy to keep my mind in the future and feel that when the list is done then my life will be complete. This list of dreams isn't a way for me to be happy. It was at one time, but going after my list of dreams has opened me up to decadent way of living. Today I traded massages with one of my best friends. I got to skate. Tonight I'll meet with friends for karaoke, and last night I went salsa dancing. I plan on sinking into a bubble bath before I go out.

I know if you're a parent of young children, and you're taking the time to read this, you're laughing saying that it's because I'm single without kids that I get this life. You have something dear and special - these little joyful people in your life that want to play and have fun. Everyone has decadence right now. Even someone who doesn't have a home still can find a beautiful park to walk in.

It's easy to focus on what we don't have and to be jealous of others. When you look at what you do have, when you get excited about what's already right in front of you, then life becomes good. If you focus on the anger and stress and the 'woe is me' that's what you'll get. If you focus on the joy, it begins right in that moment.

Tomorrow I go after a skating test on my way to completing my dream of reaching senior level. I can choose to stress about what might go wrong, or I can be joyful that I get the chance to take it. Life is a mindset. You have the free-will to choose what you focus on.

Hard Work Pays Off

935 Days to make 101 Dreams Come True

The sun is setting outside my office window and the yellowing birch trees look the color of sparkling gold. Another day is passing into night and I wonder at my life and the 101 dreams I want to come true.

Today I went skating and practiced for my test on Saturday. One of my dreams is to complete a series of skating tests to the senior level. The senior level is what you see at the Olympics. I won't be trying for triple jumps, but I will be trying to have the edge quality and grace of the actual skating (time spent moving around the rink). To test, I must go in front of certified judges and complete specific skating patterns with speed and power. As I practiced I noticed that my stamina and strength have increased by going after this dream.

I think in this era of ideas like The Secret and our 'need it now' mentality, we forget how great it feels to work hard; to have a goal and go after it no matter what gets in our way. I've fallen on my butt many times trying to learn these patterns. I've even broken my hand, but as I skated today I felt deep pride in not letting those falls get in my way.

It's great when something comes easy. When those miracles happen....like my mom winning lottery tickets that will allow me to go after my dream of seeing the Patriot's at their home stadium. But it's even more rewarding when I've fought and worked hard to make something happen.

We want things now and we want them to be easy, but hard work makes us grow. And today, I'm really proud of how going after this list of 101 dreams has changed me: I'm stronger mentally; I've learned about technology; I've pushed through fear; and I'm happy to say, "This is me and I like myself."

Don't shy away from something that's scary or hard. It might just lead you to everything you want.

How am I going to do this?

936 days left to complete my list of dreams

I was looking at my list today and realizing that I need to get moving. Last year, without even trying, I checked off four big dreams in the first three months. This year I've only accomplished three small ones in five and a half months. At this rate, I'll never complete my list in the remaining time.

One good thing did happen that might move me towards one of my dreams. I'm a huge Patriot's fan and one of my dreams is to go to Gillette stadium to watch a game. Tickets have been impossible to get since they won their first Super Bowl. Plus, I live three thousand miles away. My mom called me last week and told me that she'd won Patriot's tickets in the lottery. Now my mom doesn't like football. She has no desire to go to a game, but she walked into the convenience store to buy a scratch ticket and something told her to buy a Patriot's lottery ticket. She won two tickets to the game, free parking, entrance to the official tailgate, and fifty dollars.  My cousin has turned the ticket in and I'm awaiting news of when I will need to fly home. So maybe magic is still working in my favor when it comes to the list. What were the chances of my mom winning these tickets?

But I'm trying to figure out how to make the rest of my dreams come true.

I'm a fiction writer. I have an agent in New York who's trying to sell my first novel. That dream is completely out of my control, but at least it's moving forward. The dream of having my book made into a movie in the next two and a half years seems impossible, but I will keep hoping.

I'm taking a skating test this Saturday which will move me one step closer to passing my Senior Moves. The next three tests will push me harder than I've ever skated, and I will have to move through a lot of fear to complete this dream within two and a half years.

Then there's the travel part. It will take almost forty weeks to see all the places I want to see. I wonder if I shouldn't leave behind my life, rent out my house, and go on a round the world trip. It would be the fastest way, but I would be away from my home life, which I love, for a long time. If I give up almost a year of skating, I might not be able to pass my tests. Plus, I will have to figure out the financial aspect. This trip doesn't consist of sleeping in hostels. I want to do some very expensive traveling: seeing Mt. Gorillas, Polar Bears, and rafting the Futaleufu in Chile.

So if you think for one moment that I'm a rich girl going after her dreams with a large bank roll, think again. I'm average. Just like you, working to make a living. I just want so much for my life and I'm going to find a way. It has to be there or else why would this drive to complete my list be so strong?

So I will be brave today and figure out which dream to go after next. I will put doubt aside and say, "This is mine."

Motivation vs. Joy

937 Days to Complete 101 Dreams

Today I went to a social network meeting to try to learn  about this web stuff. When I made this list of dreams I didn't plan on putting it up for the world to see. I'm a technology....hmmmm how do I put it......I'm not incapable, I just hate being bothered. If I'm on my computer I want to be writing, not dealing with codes, marketing, and uploading. Yuck! The good news....I might have found someone to help me. 

I was planning on leaving when a motivational speaker joined us and his presentation got me thinking.

I liken motivational speakers to that of a triple shot of espresso. They stand in front of their audience, speaking quickly and with zeal much like Evangelist priests. They have tricks, little exercises that make you see the power of positive thinking with your own eyes. They list off their impressive resumes, and always tell you the sob story of what they've overcome. Like advertisements on television, that make you long for a better, richer, fuller life,  they are hoping to sell you their secrets. You dish out the cash and return home excited for your new life to begin. You make lists of what you will accomplish: better health, more cash, stronger relationships, and brighter career.

For a small percentage of type A personalities these techniques work, but for many, just like with the latest fad diet, the program fails within weeks. The caffeine-like adrenaline high wears off and the slump occurs. Time passes. Life doesn't change. You feel like sludge as you believe that you are incapable of accomplishing anything since you failed this program. Then another seminar, book, or program comes along and you find yourself back looking for the next magic key.

Just as diets don't work long term, neither does motivation. Maybe because it's exhausting. You have to constantly push yourself and maintain a high energy level. I was once a very motivated person, and I was always stressed. It wasn't until I made my list of 101 dreams that I found the power of joy.

I love to skate. I can't wait to do it. I'll do off-ice training so that I can skate for longer periods of time. I can salsa dance all night. There was a time I spent hours in the gym beating my body into submission. I hated every minute and couldn't wait for it to be over. Now, I'm sad when I have to leave the ice or the dance floor due to exhaustion. 

When we do the things we love, when we look for joy in our lives, a natural energy occurs. Kind of like the stamina and health that comes from eating and sleeping well vs. caffeine. When we look forward to enjoying our passions we are more fulfilled.

There's a life waiting for you. The best way to find it isn't motivation, but meditation. When you go inside you'll find what really brings you joy, and you won't need caffeine to achieve it - you'll have true excitement. Think about the last vacation you went on. You didn't need to be motivated to go - you were excited. Find what makes you excited. That's the true key to living a good life.

The Beginning

939 Days to complete my list of dreams.

So there it is - the countdown clock. It's the first time I see how much time I have to reach my goal of completing 101 dreams by June 4, 2012. To see the seconds clicking by makes my stomach a little queasy. As I look at the list of dreams it seems impossible. How will I ever accomplish this in a little over 900 days. But I'm getting ahead of myself. You don't know me or the story behind this journey.

It was June of 2008, a week after my birthday, and I was in Sonoma, California vacationing by myself. It sounds fantastic, right? Stretches of vineyards glistening in the sun surrounded by hills of oaks. Wonderful food and wine to taste. A romantic setting to share with someone you love.

Except I was dealing with a broken heart. Without boring you with the sad details, lets just say I was going through a messy break-up. On top of that, I had recently sat by my brother's bed as he lay in a coma fighting for his life. He'd recently had emergency open-heart surgery from contracting MRSA (penicillin resistant Staph). Gratefully, he lived, but the stress caused a fight between my mother and sister-in-law and my family was torn apart.

I felt like my insides were a punching bag in a kick-boxing class.

To lift myself, I sat in the park writing down all the wonderful things I had accomplished in the last eight years. I've always made lists. Things I need to do. Places I want to see. Goals and achievements.
As I wrote down my achieved dreams a smile began to appear. I had forgotten what it felt like to have my cheeks pudge as my eyes crinkled. I wondered if the muscles in my face were weak after so many months without that movement.

The happiness grew and I started thinking about what I wanted for the future. The last six months, pain and fear controlled my life. I was tired of mere survival. I wanted to feel that I held my destiny in my hands. A list began to grow and when I was done I had added eighty new dreams to my completed twenty-one. I sat back overwhelmed by everything I desired. I added one more....to laugh so hard with a stranger my stomach hurt. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed.

I folded the piece of paper and put it away. Who was I to think I could have everything I wanted? I went on feeling sorry for myself and praying that someday the pain would end.

As I returned to the hotel, the concierge invited me to have a drink with two other guests. That's when the magic happened. After a few glasses of wine, a woman brought up poop, yes, poop, and told the concierge what her poop should look like to ensure good health. The concierge looked at the woman and said, "You're telling me I'm supposed to turn around and look in the toilet at that smelly s@%t! You've got to be kidding me. I don't have time to turn around and ask, 'hey how you doing today?'."

Between the look of bewilderment on her face and the sound of her voice I burst out laughing. She continued asking questions, wondering if people really did this. Tears dripped down my cheeks, my nose ran, my face cramped, and my stomach knotted with laughter.

That night, I looked at the list of dreams. What was the chance this dream would come true so quickly? What if I could accomplish all of them?

In the following weeks my life transformed. I began to salsa dance. I thought that hiking half-dome and camping in Yosemite that summer would be impossible since I needed a camping reservation six months in advance. Two weeks later, I received an invitation to go camping and hiking in Yosemite. It seemed every week a dream would come to me. Where I had been lonely and without close friends, a whole community opened. Within the first year I had checked off sixteen of my dreams - almost as many as I had accomplished in my life.

That's when I decided to pursue this list with everything I had and to share my journey. I'm a private person. I once loved the fact that I could Google my name without any hits. But this journey has been extraordinary, and I hope it can inspire others to go after their dreams.

Maybe life is supposed to be miraculous even in the midst of pain. Maybe we're meant to have everything we want. I guess I'm willing to find out. I have sixty-four more dreams to complete. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but today I place a counter on my goal. I'm hoping four years after I made the list that I will have completed it. Cross your fingers, pull up a chair, and see if I succeed.