830 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
Thank you to everyone who has written to me about my last post - you know the one where I wanted to quit. The feeling hasn't passed yet, but I'm working on it. I still have the flu (my sixth round with it this season), and the consensus of my doctor and friends is that I need to rest in order to get healthy. Ah, yes rest. I'm sure down the road there will be time for this, but at the moment there isn't. I've decided to put my house on the market and I've spent the last two nights painting only to have to start over again. Valspur paint stinks. It streaked and didn't dry evenly so my bathroom walls look horrible.
I don't mind hard work. I cherish it. Pushing for something I want excites me and the rewards mean more when I've accomplished what I set out to do. What kicks my spirit down is when I work this hard and push to the max only to have to start over again. Today it's the painting the other day it was my life.
I told my mom how much I wanted to quit. I explained how tired and stressed I've been lately and that I don't feel I have the strength to keep going. I talked with her about returning to an easier life. My mother has watched me push since I was a kid. Fear has held her hostage as I traveled solo throughout the world and participated in crazy sports. I know she wants grandchildren and to see me married and settled-down. Her heart longs for me to move back to Boston. Last night she had one response, "Don't settle. You won't be happy."
When I hung up I thought about Eckhart Tolle's words in A New Earth, "This too shall pass." This feeling I'm experiencing is only temporary. This is the moment where it would be easy to quit. It's when most people do back down. I have no idea if I can do this. I feel like I'm at the mercy of the Gods, but I'm going to give it everything I have. Which today means standing up in this sick body, painting, planning my trip, cleaning my house, creating the t-shirts that will be sold for charity on the website, and a million other things that need to get done. Wish me luck.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Maybe I Should Quit
832 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
Today I want to quit. I want to retreat and forget about this list. I want to return to a normal life, get a regular job and stop shooting for the stars.
I feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. I worked so hard on a fiction novel, attained agent representation only to have the book stalled with the editors for almost a year now. I gave everything I had to a relationship for a year only to have it fall apart. I'm watching my savings deplete as I create this website to inspire others to attain their dreams while I pursue mine, and I'm not sure I can do this.
I know if I do quit, if I stop going after my dreams, I can have a normal, safe life. I can get a regular job, keep my savings, live in the home that I own outright, and the person I love will no longer be threatened by my life. In fact, I could have my choice of men to be in a relationship with if I'm just willing to be more normal. Instead of every day striving for more, moving past my fears, and taking risks, I could simply live. And it would be a good life: romantic dinners; pancakes on Sunday night while curled up watching a movie; salsa dancing once in awhile; skating; and someone who I fall asleep and wake up next to every day who loves me along with the chance for children. Right now that sounds really nice.
A friend said to me that she asked a number of men in her life if they could handle being with someone like me. All of them said, "no". The men agreed that they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who travels alone for such long periods of time or that had so much attention because she lights up a room. My friend said, "I think maybe you're meant to be alone with wonderful people who surround you, but you're too independent to be part of a relationship. No man is secure enough to be with you." My male friends tend to agree with this idea.
On top of this, I've realized that if I want to continue going after my dreams, I have to consider selling my house. I can make a profit right now, and if I pick up another house and fix it up over the course of the year it will give me the time and financial backing to continue going after my dreams. Of course there is no guarantee that my house will sell for the price I need nor will I definitely find another house to buy. It means packing and being uprooted once again. And I will have to do all of this by the end of April. But I leave in three weeks to go to Europe by myself and I still have nothing planned.
I want to quit so badly and be safe, but I can't. I know me. I will regret if I retreat. I want to see the Mountain Gorillas. I want to raft and kayak the Futaleufu. The greatest moments of my life have been when I've achieved my dreams.
I guess if this journey was easy everyone would do it. So instead of retreating, I'm going to pick myself up, go to Lowe's and buy the materials I need to finish the renovation on my house. Then tomorrow I will call the Realtor and put my house on the market. One of my dreams is to trust in God always. At this moment that trust is really being put to the test.
Today I want to quit. I want to retreat and forget about this list. I want to return to a normal life, get a regular job and stop shooting for the stars.
I feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. I worked so hard on a fiction novel, attained agent representation only to have the book stalled with the editors for almost a year now. I gave everything I had to a relationship for a year only to have it fall apart. I'm watching my savings deplete as I create this website to inspire others to attain their dreams while I pursue mine, and I'm not sure I can do this.
I know if I do quit, if I stop going after my dreams, I can have a normal, safe life. I can get a regular job, keep my savings, live in the home that I own outright, and the person I love will no longer be threatened by my life. In fact, I could have my choice of men to be in a relationship with if I'm just willing to be more normal. Instead of every day striving for more, moving past my fears, and taking risks, I could simply live. And it would be a good life: romantic dinners; pancakes on Sunday night while curled up watching a movie; salsa dancing once in awhile; skating; and someone who I fall asleep and wake up next to every day who loves me along with the chance for children. Right now that sounds really nice.
A friend said to me that she asked a number of men in her life if they could handle being with someone like me. All of them said, "no". The men agreed that they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who travels alone for such long periods of time or that had so much attention because she lights up a room. My friend said, "I think maybe you're meant to be alone with wonderful people who surround you, but you're too independent to be part of a relationship. No man is secure enough to be with you." My male friends tend to agree with this idea.
On top of this, I've realized that if I want to continue going after my dreams, I have to consider selling my house. I can make a profit right now, and if I pick up another house and fix it up over the course of the year it will give me the time and financial backing to continue going after my dreams. Of course there is no guarantee that my house will sell for the price I need nor will I definitely find another house to buy. It means packing and being uprooted once again. And I will have to do all of this by the end of April. But I leave in three weeks to go to Europe by myself and I still have nothing planned.
I want to quit so badly and be safe, but I can't. I know me. I will regret if I retreat. I want to see the Mountain Gorillas. I want to raft and kayak the Futaleufu. The greatest moments of my life have been when I've achieved my dreams.
I guess if this journey was easy everyone would do it. So instead of retreating, I'm going to pick myself up, go to Lowe's and buy the materials I need to finish the renovation on my house. Then tomorrow I will call the Realtor and put my house on the market. One of my dreams is to trust in God always. At this moment that trust is really being put to the test.
Friday, February 19, 2010
What You Pay Attention to Will Come to You.
836 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
I'm trying to watch the men's long program in figure skating, but so far it has come in brief moments then twenty minutes of waiting. As I watch the athletes I'm reminded how easy it is for the mind to either create success or defeat. I know from my own skating, the moment I doubt that I can do something I fail.
The mind is the greatest tool we have. What we focus upon is what comes to us. If you watch any athlete, the minute you see that moment of doubt in their eyes, you know their training and technique is about to go splat. No matter how many times they've achieved their goal, doubt will destroy their ability to accomplish what they desire.
This reminds me of the first rule in white-water kayaking - keep your eyes on the path you want to take. Fear of crashing into a rock or dropping into a sticky hole causes many people to continually check how close they are to the danger. The minute their heads turn towards their fear, the body, and therefor their boat, moves in that direction. I believe it's the same in life.
When I first made my list of dreams I was shocked at how quickly I began to achieve what I desired. Within two months I had hiked half-dome in Yosemite; met an incredible group of friends who liked to get the most out of life; learned to salsa dance; went to Alaska; and bought my home outright. I believe it's because I placed my list of dreams in plain sight and made it my focus. When I get caught up in drama around me or fear, my life moves away from my dreams.
There's another rule in white-water kayaking; once you're in the rapid, never stop paddling. If you feel that the river is going too fast you don't fight the current or it will pull you under. I guess that's where my life is right now. I'm on this rapid, trying to keep my eyes on the fun, splashy waves. Every once in awhile rocks crop up. I glance at them, give them some thought, but then I must look away or I will crash into them instead of sticking to my path.
I highly recommend making your own list. It doesn't have to be 101 dreams. It can be five or ten. When hard times crop up, your list will give you a place to focus instead of staring at the rocks.
I'm trying to watch the men's long program in figure skating, but so far it has come in brief moments then twenty minutes of waiting. As I watch the athletes I'm reminded how easy it is for the mind to either create success or defeat. I know from my own skating, the moment I doubt that I can do something I fail.
The mind is the greatest tool we have. What we focus upon is what comes to us. If you watch any athlete, the minute you see that moment of doubt in their eyes, you know their training and technique is about to go splat. No matter how many times they've achieved their goal, doubt will destroy their ability to accomplish what they desire.
This reminds me of the first rule in white-water kayaking - keep your eyes on the path you want to take. Fear of crashing into a rock or dropping into a sticky hole causes many people to continually check how close they are to the danger. The minute their heads turn towards their fear, the body, and therefor their boat, moves in that direction. I believe it's the same in life.
When I first made my list of dreams I was shocked at how quickly I began to achieve what I desired. Within two months I had hiked half-dome in Yosemite; met an incredible group of friends who liked to get the most out of life; learned to salsa dance; went to Alaska; and bought my home outright. I believe it's because I placed my list of dreams in plain sight and made it my focus. When I get caught up in drama around me or fear, my life moves away from my dreams.
There's another rule in white-water kayaking; once you're in the rapid, never stop paddling. If you feel that the river is going too fast you don't fight the current or it will pull you under. I guess that's where my life is right now. I'm on this rapid, trying to keep my eyes on the fun, splashy waves. Every once in awhile rocks crop up. I glance at them, give them some thought, but then I must look away or I will crash into them instead of sticking to my path.
I highly recommend making your own list. It doesn't have to be 101 dreams. It can be five or ten. When hard times crop up, your list will give you a place to focus instead of staring at the rocks.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Like a Moth to a Flame
838 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
I know I've been silent for many days now. To be honest, my head has been spinning with media kits, web design, press releases, search engine optimization, and a whole bunch of other stuff having to do with making this journey public. Lately, going after my dreams has seemed to take the back burner, while learning about social media has come forward. I hope that in a few weeks the website will be automated and I will be able to return to my real focus - living the most decadent life I can.
I've also been missing someone lately and when I try to write, the words crash into a brick wall of feelings. I kick and push at the bricks wanting to force them down, but I just slam harder into my heart. When I began this journey I was single, but along the way I met an amazing person who kind of lit up my world. He knew how to make me laugh. He treated me like a princess. He planned amazing date nights down to the last detail. When I was scared or hurting, he'd wrap his arms around me and life felt right.
Going after this journey ripped us apart. The more I was gone, or talked about travel, the more his insecurities exploded. Many people have said that it's my fault - that I made him feel left out. People have commented that they couldn't handle being in a relationship with me due to how I live my life - that they would be jealous and insecure. One friend said, "Do you know how hard it is watching you achieve everything you desire while I live an ordinary life?"
I don't understand. If that's how people feel, envious and jealous, then why not make their own lists and go after them? I'm not a super-hero who has all the money in the world and no worries on how I'm going to make this happen. If I can do this anyone can.
The man I left has told me numerous times that he's proud of me for going after my dreams. He's trying to deal with the insecurities my life brought out in him and we've remained friends. But lately I've been feeling that I'm kind of poison to men. There have been plenty circling. I have been called the 'honey-pot', and "There's Something About Marci", along with other not so nice terms such as, 'man-eater'. It's been said that I have freaky pheromones that cause men to be insane. The truth - going after the life you want carries a distinct passion that people find attractive. Like moths to a flame. The problem seems to lie in when they get close to the light they want it to dim. And I want to get brighter.
I know I've been silent for many days now. To be honest, my head has been spinning with media kits, web design, press releases, search engine optimization, and a whole bunch of other stuff having to do with making this journey public. Lately, going after my dreams has seemed to take the back burner, while learning about social media has come forward. I hope that in a few weeks the website will be automated and I will be able to return to my real focus - living the most decadent life I can.
I've also been missing someone lately and when I try to write, the words crash into a brick wall of feelings. I kick and push at the bricks wanting to force them down, but I just slam harder into my heart. When I began this journey I was single, but along the way I met an amazing person who kind of lit up my world. He knew how to make me laugh. He treated me like a princess. He planned amazing date nights down to the last detail. When I was scared or hurting, he'd wrap his arms around me and life felt right.
Going after this journey ripped us apart. The more I was gone, or talked about travel, the more his insecurities exploded. Many people have said that it's my fault - that I made him feel left out. People have commented that they couldn't handle being in a relationship with me due to how I live my life - that they would be jealous and insecure. One friend said, "Do you know how hard it is watching you achieve everything you desire while I live an ordinary life?"
I don't understand. If that's how people feel, envious and jealous, then why not make their own lists and go after them? I'm not a super-hero who has all the money in the world and no worries on how I'm going to make this happen. If I can do this anyone can.
The man I left has told me numerous times that he's proud of me for going after my dreams. He's trying to deal with the insecurities my life brought out in him and we've remained friends. But lately I've been feeling that I'm kind of poison to men. There have been plenty circling. I have been called the 'honey-pot', and "There's Something About Marci", along with other not so nice terms such as, 'man-eater'. It's been said that I have freaky pheromones that cause men to be insane. The truth - going after the life you want carries a distinct passion that people find attractive. Like moths to a flame. The problem seems to lie in when they get close to the light they want it to dim. And I want to get brighter.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Dinner for One
845 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
I think I'm finally catching up with the long to-do list that has come about in the last week. I'm looking forward to the website being completely set-up and the business side of this journey automated. My business cards came yesterday and they look fantastic. Though I feel as if each day brings a new idea and therefor a longer to-do list things are coming together. The exciting part is that I'm working on a way for the website to give back to the community. In a few weeks I should have the links running. I've always wanted this journey to be about something bigger than just me going out and getting the most decadent life I can.
Speaking of decadence, as I was taking a hot bubble bath last night, I was mind-traveling back to my time in Florence, Italy. Every night, after a dinner of the freshest produce, pasta that can barely be described it tasted so wonderful, and a glass of wine, I would venture back to the streets and walk for hours. In Signora Piazza I would listen to the flute music as I sat by the statue of Perseus or on the steps of the Uffizi. I'd walk along the Arno watching the way the streetlamps' light reflected in the moving water. I'd stop for chocolate at my favorite coffee shop, and walk to Michelangelo's Piazza high above the city to stare at the beauty of Firenze's lights. Many beautiful, Italian men would walk with me, complimenting me trying to win my affection for the night. The funny part is that Italian men love their fancy shoes and many couldn't keep up with my long walks because their feet hurt.
You would think I would be sad to walk through this romantic city without my beau, but I loved it. It was a peaceful time where I took in life at my own pace with only my needs in mind. When I first began traveling I hated the night. During the day I could enjoy the sights and museums, but at night loneliness crept in as I was afraid to enter a restaurant solo. Everyone seemed to have someone to converse with or share a drink with. I felt pathetic and lonely.
I've changed drastically since then. Now I love dinners for one. Don't get me wrong, fancy meals or even Thai food with a friend or a boyfriend are lovely, but there is something special and unique about dining alone in a restaurant. My favorite place in Florence is a little candlelit restaurant that was right by my apartment. It had only six tables and though I dined alone, the waiter never rushed me. I sat for over an hour, taking my time to savor each bite. Instead of focusing on conversation I let the decadence of the food roll over my taste buds. I focused on the complexity of my wine and how it changed with different foods. I read a delicious book between courses. It was an experience of stopping and tasting life.
We have this idea that being alone is sad. We see the solo person in the movie theater or restaurant and wonder why they don't have friends. I think everyone married, single, or otherwise involved, should take themselves out on a date. It's a time to spoil yourself - to treat yourself with love and self-worth, to find out what makes you feel decadent, happy, and relaxed. It might be strange at first, but I promise once you get past the worry of being solo you might fall in love with your own company.
Have a great romantic weekend whether your madly in love, married for a long time, or flying solo.
I think I'm finally catching up with the long to-do list that has come about in the last week. I'm looking forward to the website being completely set-up and the business side of this journey automated. My business cards came yesterday and they look fantastic. Though I feel as if each day brings a new idea and therefor a longer to-do list things are coming together. The exciting part is that I'm working on a way for the website to give back to the community. In a few weeks I should have the links running. I've always wanted this journey to be about something bigger than just me going out and getting the most decadent life I can.
Speaking of decadence, as I was taking a hot bubble bath last night, I was mind-traveling back to my time in Florence, Italy. Every night, after a dinner of the freshest produce, pasta that can barely be described it tasted so wonderful, and a glass of wine, I would venture back to the streets and walk for hours. In Signora Piazza I would listen to the flute music as I sat by the statue of Perseus or on the steps of the Uffizi. I'd walk along the Arno watching the way the streetlamps' light reflected in the moving water. I'd stop for chocolate at my favorite coffee shop, and walk to Michelangelo's Piazza high above the city to stare at the beauty of Firenze's lights. Many beautiful, Italian men would walk with me, complimenting me trying to win my affection for the night. The funny part is that Italian men love their fancy shoes and many couldn't keep up with my long walks because their feet hurt.
You would think I would be sad to walk through this romantic city without my beau, but I loved it. It was a peaceful time where I took in life at my own pace with only my needs in mind. When I first began traveling I hated the night. During the day I could enjoy the sights and museums, but at night loneliness crept in as I was afraid to enter a restaurant solo. Everyone seemed to have someone to converse with or share a drink with. I felt pathetic and lonely.
I've changed drastically since then. Now I love dinners for one. Don't get me wrong, fancy meals or even Thai food with a friend or a boyfriend are lovely, but there is something special and unique about dining alone in a restaurant. My favorite place in Florence is a little candlelit restaurant that was right by my apartment. It had only six tables and though I dined alone, the waiter never rushed me. I sat for over an hour, taking my time to savor each bite. Instead of focusing on conversation I let the decadence of the food roll over my taste buds. I focused on the complexity of my wine and how it changed with different foods. I read a delicious book between courses. It was an experience of stopping and tasting life.
We have this idea that being alone is sad. We see the solo person in the movie theater or restaurant and wonder why they don't have friends. I think everyone married, single, or otherwise involved, should take themselves out on a date. It's a time to spoil yourself - to treat yourself with love and self-worth, to find out what makes you feel decadent, happy, and relaxed. It might be strange at first, but I promise once you get past the worry of being solo you might fall in love with your own company.
Have a great romantic weekend whether your madly in love, married for a long time, or flying solo.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
To Say What I Feel Without Need or Expectation
845 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
I've been thinking quite a bit about one of my dreams. Much of my list is about running off to see fabulous places and learning to live in a decadent manner, but I believe my most important dreams have more to do with the person I wish to be: trusting in God always; falling in love with myself and this world; learning to slow down at times; and saying what I feel without need or expectation. This last one is harder than I thought.
Why is it difficult to tell people how we feel without need or expectation of how they will respond? I'm not talking about spewing-off every detail I think about people. I'm speaking on the idea of being open about my feelings without needing a specific response. Once again I believe the ego has entered the room and this is where fear and the childish behavior of, I want what I want, come into play. Or even, I think I know what I want, and you haven't lived up to it and now I'm mad and hurt and I will make you pay by pushing you away so you know how it feels.
These are childish games we play. Look at relationships, there are books written on how to get the opposite sex to chase after you by being coy, or not calling for a certain amount of time, or acting disinterested. And the sad part is that these games work. I was at a night club on Saturday night when this nice gentleman came up to me and asked me to dance. Within minutes he was telling me that he was falling in love with my smile and that it was killing him. He stared at me as if I was the woman of his dreams with big, puppy, dog eyes. Sweet, good-looking, great dancer, but go away it's too over the top.
Many times the guy who wins my attention is the one who doesn't overwhelm me with his feelings. I've had men tell me they were certain I was the one after our first date and they were in love. That's when I head for the hills. But to be honest, insecurity creeps in when something happens between myself and someone I like. If the man isn't there wanting to see me again, in a non-stalker way, I'm hurt and upset wondering what he's thinking. Now said guy might email or text, but he's playing it cool, and instead of saying how I feel in an honest way, I play the game - I act as if I don't care.
How ridiculous are these games? What is the underlying cause? And further more, what damage does it create?
In a good book about relationships, the reader always knows the truth about how everyone feels but the characters are always clueless. As you're reading you're screaming at the hero to just be honest, the other person feels the same way, yet it takes till the end of the story after much anguish for anyone to figure out what's really going on. It's the same in life. Communicating what we feel without fear of rejection is scary. If this person rejects how we feel we will experience sadness, hurt, and a lessening of ourselves. I'm not just speaking about intimate relations, but friendships, and family as well.
So in writing this I've realized that to say what I feel without need or expectation is like jumping off a cliff and not knowing if you are going to land safely. All the fears of what could happen on the way down rush into my mind: rejection, hurt, and feeling stupid. I believe it goes back to childhood. Everyone at one time showed emotions and feelings with full honesty, but at some point another child made fun, or parents ridiculed, and a wall was built. The fear of rejection became bigger than our need to be honest with ourselves and the world.
So now the question becomes can I lift myself up out of the childhood-placed ego and stop worrying about what people will think of me? Going after this list and making it public, showing my weaker side to the world with this blog, is scary. It's fine when I'm in my office and I'm not thinking about who will read this, but when friends and family speak about what I've done or want to do, shyness makes me want to retreat my head into my turtle shell.
But I guess, just as with all my other dreams, fear will be by my side and I can either say that I want more from myself and this life, so therefor I will walk through my fear, or I can retreat. Retreating sounds easier, but not nearly as fun. But it also means I now need to go tell someone what I feel without need or expectation. Wish me luck.
I've been thinking quite a bit about one of my dreams. Much of my list is about running off to see fabulous places and learning to live in a decadent manner, but I believe my most important dreams have more to do with the person I wish to be: trusting in God always; falling in love with myself and this world; learning to slow down at times; and saying what I feel without need or expectation. This last one is harder than I thought.
Why is it difficult to tell people how we feel without need or expectation of how they will respond? I'm not talking about spewing-off every detail I think about people. I'm speaking on the idea of being open about my feelings without needing a specific response. Once again I believe the ego has entered the room and this is where fear and the childish behavior of, I want what I want, come into play. Or even, I think I know what I want, and you haven't lived up to it and now I'm mad and hurt and I will make you pay by pushing you away so you know how it feels.
These are childish games we play. Look at relationships, there are books written on how to get the opposite sex to chase after you by being coy, or not calling for a certain amount of time, or acting disinterested. And the sad part is that these games work. I was at a night club on Saturday night when this nice gentleman came up to me and asked me to dance. Within minutes he was telling me that he was falling in love with my smile and that it was killing him. He stared at me as if I was the woman of his dreams with big, puppy, dog eyes. Sweet, good-looking, great dancer, but go away it's too over the top.
Many times the guy who wins my attention is the one who doesn't overwhelm me with his feelings. I've had men tell me they were certain I was the one after our first date and they were in love. That's when I head for the hills. But to be honest, insecurity creeps in when something happens between myself and someone I like. If the man isn't there wanting to see me again, in a non-stalker way, I'm hurt and upset wondering what he's thinking. Now said guy might email or text, but he's playing it cool, and instead of saying how I feel in an honest way, I play the game - I act as if I don't care.
How ridiculous are these games? What is the underlying cause? And further more, what damage does it create?
In a good book about relationships, the reader always knows the truth about how everyone feels but the characters are always clueless. As you're reading you're screaming at the hero to just be honest, the other person feels the same way, yet it takes till the end of the story after much anguish for anyone to figure out what's really going on. It's the same in life. Communicating what we feel without fear of rejection is scary. If this person rejects how we feel we will experience sadness, hurt, and a lessening of ourselves. I'm not just speaking about intimate relations, but friendships, and family as well.
So in writing this I've realized that to say what I feel without need or expectation is like jumping off a cliff and not knowing if you are going to land safely. All the fears of what could happen on the way down rush into my mind: rejection, hurt, and feeling stupid. I believe it goes back to childhood. Everyone at one time showed emotions and feelings with full honesty, but at some point another child made fun, or parents ridiculed, and a wall was built. The fear of rejection became bigger than our need to be honest with ourselves and the world.
So now the question becomes can I lift myself up out of the childhood-placed ego and stop worrying about what people will think of me? Going after this list and making it public, showing my weaker side to the world with this blog, is scary. It's fine when I'm in my office and I'm not thinking about who will read this, but when friends and family speak about what I've done or want to do, shyness makes me want to retreat my head into my turtle shell.
But I guess, just as with all my other dreams, fear will be by my side and I can either say that I want more from myself and this life, so therefor I will walk through my fear, or I can retreat. Retreating sounds easier, but not nearly as fun. But it also means I now need to go tell someone what I feel without need or expectation. Wish me luck.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Aah, The Pleasure of Gluttony
847 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
GLUTTONY IS AN ATTITUDE. An attitude that's all about living life to its filled to the brim/brimming over fullust. Karen Salmansohn The Seven Lively Sins
Friday night I was beat. I have to say that when I started this journey of making my dreams come true I didn't really give thought to sharing it with the world. Now, as the website grows and I try to share my journey I have to pay attention to things like media kits, marketing, publicity, and mail. This isn't my strong suit. But if I want to reach as many people as I can, to convince the world to live a fuller life, this business side has to become a part of my world. Too bad this is where most of my fear resides. I sit down to try to figure out my plan and I freeze.
But then I remember that this journey isn't about other people. I'm sharing this because I want others to experience the joy of what's been happening in my life. I want to let people know that it's okay to be afraid of going after your dreams...that the little voice of practicality and negativity sits on my shoulder every day, but that isn't going to stop me no matter what. But what this journey is really about is living out loud. Living as if each day matters. Exploring life and tasting every vibrant morsel. I'm a person who does the right thing. Who worries about others first. Who always does the practical. I don't want to just be this person anymore. I want to play through this world and life and stop taking it so damn seriously.
This is where gluttony comes in. I want to feast on all that is awesome. I want taste every delicious dessert. I want to be ravished by amazing men, fall deeply in love, dance until I drop, and know what it's like to live truly free.
Friday night, when exhaustion hit, I curled into my bubble bath with dark chocolate and a glass of wine. I stopped my head and focused on the moment....and ah the gluttony of all that is yummy about life sunk in.
GLUTTONY IS AN ATTITUDE. An attitude that's all about living life to its filled to the brim/brimming over fullust. Karen Salmansohn The Seven Lively Sins
Friday night I was beat. I have to say that when I started this journey of making my dreams come true I didn't really give thought to sharing it with the world. Now, as the website grows and I try to share my journey I have to pay attention to things like media kits, marketing, publicity, and mail. This isn't my strong suit. But if I want to reach as many people as I can, to convince the world to live a fuller life, this business side has to become a part of my world. Too bad this is where most of my fear resides. I sit down to try to figure out my plan and I freeze.
But then I remember that this journey isn't about other people. I'm sharing this because I want others to experience the joy of what's been happening in my life. I want to let people know that it's okay to be afraid of going after your dreams...that the little voice of practicality and negativity sits on my shoulder every day, but that isn't going to stop me no matter what. But what this journey is really about is living out loud. Living as if each day matters. Exploring life and tasting every vibrant morsel. I'm a person who does the right thing. Who worries about others first. Who always does the practical. I don't want to just be this person anymore. I want to play through this world and life and stop taking it so damn seriously.
This is where gluttony comes in. I want to feast on all that is awesome. I want taste every delicious dessert. I want to be ravished by amazing men, fall deeply in love, dance until I drop, and know what it's like to live truly free.
Friday night, when exhaustion hit, I curled into my bubble bath with dark chocolate and a glass of wine. I stopped my head and focused on the moment....and ah the gluttony of all that is yummy about life sunk in.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Leap of Faith
850 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
Last night I had a lovely dinner with two friends in their home. As we sat around the table eating oatmeal cookies and drinking decaf coffee at eleven o'clock at night I once again took in how amazing my life has become since making my list. The dream to have a group of friends who love to get the most out of life has been my best dream come true.
After making my list I made a promise to myself, I would say 'yes' to every opportunity that came to me. When I was asked by my interfaith committee to be a representative at a national conference I had no idea that it would bring me a new family. Before the conference, I was introduced to Dave and Leann who were also attending. A former priest and nun who found love in mid-life, married and had a beautiful family, they took me into their hearts.
As we sat talking last night, they told stories of when they first fell in love. Leann, who'd gone into the convent at fourteen, had never been out of the cloister when she met Dave. Dave, a Jesuit priest, had recently left the priesthood because he felt he could do more good in the community as a teacher. Leann had never driven, balanced a check book, or been on her own, but she took a leap of faith and moved to California to marry Dave.
They had little money and so their entertainment was walking in the park, playing cards and Frisbee and spending time talking as they became the best of friends. This Christmas I helped them decorate their tree. Out of boxes came the most beautiful ornaments: drums made from felt covered bouillon containers; soldiers made from toilet paper rolls; angels and kings made out of cardboard. To look at these precious ornaments you would never know that they cost pennies to make. They had nothing so they were creative.
As Dave and Leann tell the stories of their life together the love between them is apparent. Pictures of their children and eight grandchildren line the walls of their elegant but homey house. Laughter has always been a part of their lives as they recall practical jokes they played on one another going as far as Leann once dumping a bucket of cold water over Dave while he was in the shower.
To entertain their children, they dressed up in crazy outfits. Leann has pictures of her in the costumes she created to teach her kindergarten students their colors. They had nothing in the way of money, but they had everything in the way of life.
As we discussed my journey, I told them that I wondered if I was making the wrong decision. Nothing of what I'm doing is practical. I have no idea where the finances will come from to go after what I want. My savings are definitely smaller now then when I I started. At times I feel very alone. All the fears that sit on my shoulders every day came pouring out.
Leann said to me, "Dave was forty-one when we got married. We had nothing, yet we found everything. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and go where your heart tells you. My head told me I was crazy. I barely knew this man, he was thirteen years my senior, and I had never really known love from another person. I had lost so many people in my life and I was angry and hurting. Yet, here comes Dave. He was patient and kind. He made me laugh and he's given me so much. You follow your heart, Missy. Forget what your head says, it's your heart that knows what's right. If I had listened to my head and all my fears, I would've missed out on all of this."
Sometimes all there is in life is a leap of faith.
Last night I had a lovely dinner with two friends in their home. As we sat around the table eating oatmeal cookies and drinking decaf coffee at eleven o'clock at night I once again took in how amazing my life has become since making my list. The dream to have a group of friends who love to get the most out of life has been my best dream come true.
After making my list I made a promise to myself, I would say 'yes' to every opportunity that came to me. When I was asked by my interfaith committee to be a representative at a national conference I had no idea that it would bring me a new family. Before the conference, I was introduced to Dave and Leann who were also attending. A former priest and nun who found love in mid-life, married and had a beautiful family, they took me into their hearts.
As we sat talking last night, they told stories of when they first fell in love. Leann, who'd gone into the convent at fourteen, had never been out of the cloister when she met Dave. Dave, a Jesuit priest, had recently left the priesthood because he felt he could do more good in the community as a teacher. Leann had never driven, balanced a check book, or been on her own, but she took a leap of faith and moved to California to marry Dave.
They had little money and so their entertainment was walking in the park, playing cards and Frisbee and spending time talking as they became the best of friends. This Christmas I helped them decorate their tree. Out of boxes came the most beautiful ornaments: drums made from felt covered bouillon containers; soldiers made from toilet paper rolls; angels and kings made out of cardboard. To look at these precious ornaments you would never know that they cost pennies to make. They had nothing so they were creative.
As Dave and Leann tell the stories of their life together the love between them is apparent. Pictures of their children and eight grandchildren line the walls of their elegant but homey house. Laughter has always been a part of their lives as they recall practical jokes they played on one another going as far as Leann once dumping a bucket of cold water over Dave while he was in the shower.
To entertain their children, they dressed up in crazy outfits. Leann has pictures of her in the costumes she created to teach her kindergarten students their colors. They had nothing in the way of money, but they had everything in the way of life.
As we discussed my journey, I told them that I wondered if I was making the wrong decision. Nothing of what I'm doing is practical. I have no idea where the finances will come from to go after what I want. My savings are definitely smaller now then when I I started. At times I feel very alone. All the fears that sit on my shoulders every day came pouring out.
Leann said to me, "Dave was forty-one when we got married. We had nothing, yet we found everything. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and go where your heart tells you. My head told me I was crazy. I barely knew this man, he was thirteen years my senior, and I had never really known love from another person. I had lost so many people in my life and I was angry and hurting. Yet, here comes Dave. He was patient and kind. He made me laugh and he's given me so much. You follow your heart, Missy. Forget what your head says, it's your heart that knows what's right. If I had listened to my head and all my fears, I would've missed out on all of this."
Sometimes all there is in life is a leap of faith.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Compromise vs. Concession
853 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
A friend and I were talking about relationships and she said to me, "You compromise on where you live, where you spend the holidays and vacations, and how you spend money. What you don't compromise on is who you are. I woke up one day in my marriage and realized that I was conceding who I was in order to be in my relationship."
How true, I thought, not just in relationships but in life.
A relationship should allow us to grow bigger than we can imagine ourselves being. It should be a source of strength, of unconditional love that lifts us when we are down, but many relationships aren't this way. In the same respect, our lives and the way we choose to live them should also make our spirits expand. Most people are stuck in a rut of boredom, stress, and complacency.
Too many people concede in life. They say it's too hard to go after their dreams or fight for what they really desire. Many have spent their entire existence trying to be what they think others will love. They haven't learned who they are or what they want, but instead they try to live up to a picture they have in their head of what is lovable.
I believe it's in this concession with life that our unhappiness has hit epidemic proportions. I believe that the need for another person to fill the void within ourselves is what creates the high rate of divorce in our country.
When you stop compromising on getting what you really need in life you no longer concede to misery or look to others to fill the emptiness inside. This can't start outside. You must first find love within. This isn't some self-help hokey idea I'm talking about. I'm discussing taking the time to fall in love with who you are.
Only when you say to life, I will not concede to less; I will not compromise on who I am in order to be loved by another; I will love myself; I will believe in myself and go for everything I've ever dreamed of doing, that life will open up one heck of a present of happiness.
No one else can ever fill you permanently. Only you can.
A friend and I were talking about relationships and she said to me, "You compromise on where you live, where you spend the holidays and vacations, and how you spend money. What you don't compromise on is who you are. I woke up one day in my marriage and realized that I was conceding who I was in order to be in my relationship."
How true, I thought, not just in relationships but in life.
A relationship should allow us to grow bigger than we can imagine ourselves being. It should be a source of strength, of unconditional love that lifts us when we are down, but many relationships aren't this way. In the same respect, our lives and the way we choose to live them should also make our spirits expand. Most people are stuck in a rut of boredom, stress, and complacency.
Too many people concede in life. They say it's too hard to go after their dreams or fight for what they really desire. Many have spent their entire existence trying to be what they think others will love. They haven't learned who they are or what they want, but instead they try to live up to a picture they have in their head of what is lovable.
I believe it's in this concession with life that our unhappiness has hit epidemic proportions. I believe that the need for another person to fill the void within ourselves is what creates the high rate of divorce in our country.
When you stop compromising on getting what you really need in life you no longer concede to misery or look to others to fill the emptiness inside. This can't start outside. You must first find love within. This isn't some self-help hokey idea I'm talking about. I'm discussing taking the time to fall in love with who you are.
Only when you say to life, I will not concede to less; I will not compromise on who I am in order to be loved by another; I will love myself; I will believe in myself and go for everything I've ever dreamed of doing, that life will open up one heck of a present of happiness.
No one else can ever fill you permanently. Only you can.
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