The End of Being a Doormat

910 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

I've always seen the best in people. When someone is hurting, my hand extends believing they simply need love. I have tried to face all conflicts keeping the other person's feelings in my heart and mind. I have given until exhaustion and it takes a tremendous amount to push me to anger.

But since I've started this journey something is beginning to change; what I once believed was strength is beginning to look like weakness.

I've realized I let people walk all over me. For example, last year a friend's jealous girlfriend called me on a regular basis to tell me everything she thought of me and it wasn't nice. She then spread hurtful rumors (I've realized the seventh grade never ends). Instead of telling her to stick it where the sun don't shine I tried to make her feel better. After they broke up she told me how she cursed me everyday upon waking and prayed for my life to be hell. She still believes that I'm the reason she's unhappy even though I was always kind to her.

I wish this was an isolated experience, but it isn't. Jealousy has been an emotion that others have thrown at me throughout my life.

All summer my energy went to friends and their dramas. I couldn't enjoy the beautiful life I'd created because I was surrounded by people dumping their pain and depression. For the most part I felt drowned by those I loved.

I ponder the time that has passed as I have listened to people's problems and insecurities, lifting them up out of their sadness, taking care of them in their hour of need, only to have them turn and hurt me. Sucker must be written on my forehead. I will lend a hand to anyyone, but what I'm realizing is that people don't want to rise to happiness they want someone to blame for their own insecurities and problems.

I don't have time for the Eeyores of the world right now. I have 910 days to complete over sixty of my dreams. So when someone throws their bad mood at me or their problems and then walks away leaving me carrying their hurt I'm no longer taking it. I'm telling them that it isn't fair and that I can't help them at this time. This is something very new for me. I've realized I've been a doormat for most of my life - treat me however you wish and I will take it and only give you love in return.

That me is gone. I hope. Okay find the strength again.....say it with gusto....that me is gone. I deserve better in life than people who consistently come to me for the lift and then leave me exhausted. I deserve to keep my energy for my life. I deserve my own happiness and to stop carrying the sadness of others. I am responsible for my life and emotions.

The response to me saying, 'no' hasn't been positive.

But how much more of my life will I waste taking care of those who should be taking care of themselves? It's time to put that energy to more positive endeavors.