887 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
During my holiday vacation, I returned to my grandmother's house to find my mother broken-hearted and near tears. Unfortunately, during this holiday season, I knew this moment would come. I had hoped that this visit we would be spared this particular holiday tradition, but alas no such luck. Family drama struck its deadly blow right across my mother's cheek and ricocheted to slap me in the face with its mighty swing. Another trip home where my mother and I curled together in the sadness of our loss.
Without going into details, the drama's outcome was that I didn't see my niece's angelic smile that lights my world with giggles. Her silly stories weren't told while she sat on my lap. I didn't get to see her eyes sparkle when she opened the pendant I bought her.
It didn't have to be this way, but it was.
It made me think about how much time people spend harboring stupid vendettas, re-telling how they've been hurt, and living the pain of the past. As I walked through stores and stopped at the coffee shop, I saw the stress in people's faces. While visiting friends, I heard the stories of heartache experienced during the year. I turned on the television to the news broadcasting world horrors.
Why is life painful and why do we harbor the hurt? Are we hard-wired to seek negativity?
As I retold the family drama, venting my frustration and hurt over and over to anyone who would listen, I pondered the fact that I was letting this stress overtake my vacation. It shadowed my holiday spirit. I carried the torch of someone's drama and gave it power. No matter how much I wanted to stop, I didn't seem able.
It was supposed to be the season of peace and love - a time of forgiveness and the celebration of family and friendship. Yet for many it was filled with stress, drama, and life falling short of expectations. Why?
I don't have answers. I'm beginning to lose my faith that mankind is filled with goodness. I'm beginning to believe that people enjoy their drama more than happiness.
I don't want to be one of these people. I want to love life with every cell in my body. I want to cherish all that is good from the crunchy white snow on the ground to the yummy peppermint hot chocolate I'm drinking while writing this.
I've realized this journey of going after my 101 dreams come true is more about learning to live from joy, fascination, and wonder than it is about accomplishing a list of dreams. This journey is about changing my hard-wiring to focus on happiness instead of misery. I think I might have a long way to go before I stop getting caught in the updraft of the soap operas around me, but this year its my New Year's resolution.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Stilling the Inner Worrier
895 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
I woke early this morning to the sound of my grandmother's alarm. I rolled over on the air mattress in my mom's office and covered my head. Jet-lag hit hard. I had planned on sleeping late. It's Tuesday and last Thursday was the last time I had a full night's sleep. As I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep my head whirred with noise. Not the outer: my grandmother walking to the kitchen or the heating vent crackling as hot water ran through, but the inner junk noise that's a constant companion.
I'm sure you know the voice. The one that never shuts up. It makes to-do lists and causes worry that there isn't enough time. It logs the problems of life and complains about the injustices. It swings from anxiety to sadness then tries to boost itself with an unrealistic idea of what life should be. Fun stuff.
As I sat listening to its familiar garble I stepped back and realized that it was almost separate from me. This voice that seems to be an authority on why things are wrong never talks about what is right. Who really is this voice? Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth calls it the ego - the ever present complainer and seeker of misfortune.
I'm really bored with this ego and I'd like it to shut-up.
I stood and looked out the window at the backyard covered in white powder, the bare trees decorated with bright-colored birdhouses, and to the sun rising behind my grandfather's maple sugar shack. I took a deep breath and centered my mind to the present. The noise of the ego tried to fight, but as I took in the beauty of the backyard it's voice deadened. I thought to the symphony I went to on Saturday night. The memory of the clear sound of the chorus singing, "Alleluia" vibrated my body. The concert tickets had been a surprise Christmas gift along with two beautiful lenses for my camera.
I can't control everything, I thought. Life will never be exactly what I expect it to be and all the planning in the world won't cause less missteps or pain. But letting go and enjoying every moment, being present without expectations of what life will bring, will free me of the worry that I create. The anxiety I make for myself doesn't solve any problems. And if I plan every detail of what I want, then I leave out room for the wonderful surprises such as seeing a symphony I didn't even know I wanted to see.
I have my dreams that I will actively pursue, but if I allow life to unfold without making more muck for myself then I get to spend more time enjoying the beauty of what is happening instead of crying about what I wish was taking place or worrying what might hurt me.
If only this process was easy. Why were we born with egos?
At least I can give it a try.
I woke early this morning to the sound of my grandmother's alarm. I rolled over on the air mattress in my mom's office and covered my head. Jet-lag hit hard. I had planned on sleeping late. It's Tuesday and last Thursday was the last time I had a full night's sleep. As I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep my head whirred with noise. Not the outer: my grandmother walking to the kitchen or the heating vent crackling as hot water ran through, but the inner junk noise that's a constant companion.
I'm sure you know the voice. The one that never shuts up. It makes to-do lists and causes worry that there isn't enough time. It logs the problems of life and complains about the injustices. It swings from anxiety to sadness then tries to boost itself with an unrealistic idea of what life should be. Fun stuff.
As I sat listening to its familiar garble I stepped back and realized that it was almost separate from me. This voice that seems to be an authority on why things are wrong never talks about what is right. Who really is this voice? Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth calls it the ego - the ever present complainer and seeker of misfortune.
I'm really bored with this ego and I'd like it to shut-up.
I stood and looked out the window at the backyard covered in white powder, the bare trees decorated with bright-colored birdhouses, and to the sun rising behind my grandfather's maple sugar shack. I took a deep breath and centered my mind to the present. The noise of the ego tried to fight, but as I took in the beauty of the backyard it's voice deadened. I thought to the symphony I went to on Saturday night. The memory of the clear sound of the chorus singing, "Alleluia" vibrated my body. The concert tickets had been a surprise Christmas gift along with two beautiful lenses for my camera.
I can't control everything, I thought. Life will never be exactly what I expect it to be and all the planning in the world won't cause less missteps or pain. But letting go and enjoying every moment, being present without expectations of what life will bring, will free me of the worry that I create. The anxiety I make for myself doesn't solve any problems. And if I plan every detail of what I want, then I leave out room for the wonderful surprises such as seeing a symphony I didn't even know I wanted to see.
I have my dreams that I will actively pursue, but if I allow life to unfold without making more muck for myself then I get to spend more time enjoying the beauty of what is happening instead of crying about what I wish was taking place or worrying what might hurt me.
If only this process was easy. Why were we born with egos?
At least I can give it a try.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Will This Mind of Mine Just Shut Up
899 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True
Have you ever had the problem that your spirit feels right about something but your head just talks a bunch of poo? I believe my head, or at least the part in the back right quadrant is getting in my way!
The spirit and gut says, that going after my dreams is the right thing to do. That making all of this public can inspire people. It screams to have fun, don't stress, and allow this journey to unfold in the most joyous way possible.
The back quadrant is throwing a tantrum. It nags all the time causing worry and stress. It reminds me that I'm thirty-six and that I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. It tells me that I'm going to fail and that I can never accomplish all these dreams. I'm never going to get a book deal. No one is going to care about this website or this journey. I won't find the money to travel all over the world. I'm going to go broke if I stop worrying and just enjoy life. I will never have kids if I do this. I'm going to end up alone.
Who is this voice and how do I stomp her out?
I know she might be right. But I don't care. I want this. I want to take this journey and go after my dreams without the nagging voice. I want to crush my fears and say, "You're not allowed. Get out of my party." I want to stop seeing what could go wrong and focus on what has already gone right. I want to open my heart and trust in a higher power. I want to be present in the moment, whatever that moment is.
But how?
Have you ever had the problem that your spirit feels right about something but your head just talks a bunch of poo? I believe my head, or at least the part in the back right quadrant is getting in my way!
The spirit and gut says, that going after my dreams is the right thing to do. That making all of this public can inspire people. It screams to have fun, don't stress, and allow this journey to unfold in the most joyous way possible.
The back quadrant is throwing a tantrum. It nags all the time causing worry and stress. It reminds me that I'm thirty-six and that I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. It tells me that I'm going to fail and that I can never accomplish all these dreams. I'm never going to get a book deal. No one is going to care about this website or this journey. I won't find the money to travel all over the world. I'm going to go broke if I stop worrying and just enjoy life. I will never have kids if I do this. I'm going to end up alone.
Who is this voice and how do I stomp her out?
I know she might be right. But I don't care. I want this. I want to take this journey and go after my dreams without the nagging voice. I want to crush my fears and say, "You're not allowed. Get out of my party." I want to stop seeing what could go wrong and focus on what has already gone right. I want to open my heart and trust in a higher power. I want to be present in the moment, whatever that moment is.
But how?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Gift of Solo Travel
901 Days to Complete 101 Dreams
Last night a friend said to me, "I pulled a Marci. I had a free weekend at a resort and didn't have anyone to go with so I went alone and had the best time."
I love that she called it, "pulling a Marci".
It's true. I've traveled the world by myself. I've sat alone in the Piazza Signora in Florence eating decadent chocolate while reading a book as lovers strolled by arm and arm. I've stood at Jungfraujoch, the top of Europe, staring at the Swiss Alps with my arms raised out like I could fly. In Paris I walked solo through the Louvre taking the time I desired with each painting. In Kauai, I hiked through the jungles, sailed on a catamaran, snorkeled, and boogie-boarded. Africa was the most remarkable as I traveled through three countries drinking wines in South Africa, rafting the Zambezi, riding in dug-out canoes, and exploring the earth on walking safaris. One of the greatest vacations was a month in Palm Springs where I went to restore my spirit and write while relaxing every day in the Marriott's spa. It isn't strange for me to get in my car and take off in a direction with no idea where I will end up.
If I add up all the weeks I have traveled solo, it would be close to 3/4 of a year's time.
During most of these solo excursions I wasn't single. People would always remark, "You're boyfriend will let you be away that long?"
My response, "No one let's me do anything. I choose how I live my life and I don't come to a relationship without explaining that solo travel is a part of who I am." Many men have found my independence sexy. Some have had difficulties with me being away for long periods of time, but in the end, I need solo travel.
It was hard when I first started to see the world solo. I was afraid. Most of the time I didn't know the language. Loneliness smacked me in the face as fatigue would set in and I only had me to rely on. Nights were always the most difficult as I watched couples in fancy restaurants enjoying dinner while laughing.
But solo travel gave me the gift of myself. I found courage as I problem-solved my way out of glitches, such as accidentally booking a brothel instead of a hotel my first night in Paris. I came to enjoy fancy dinners for one as I took the time to eat at my pace; I savored the taste of the food, took in the ambiance of the restaurant, and enjoyed a good book.
I fear the world less. I've made friends who have shared their countries with me. I trust my instincts more and worry less when trip-ups happen in life.
When you travel with friends you're always keeping time or waiting for someone. You have to check in with what others want. This is fine, and sharing experiences is spectacular. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel with my friends and my partner, but it's a different experience.
The greatest gift of solo travel, is the time to take care of myself and not worry about anyone else. I get to spoil myself and do exactly what I feel like without needing to check in with anyone else. If I want to read till one in the morning and then sleep till eleven I can. If I want to dance till the wee hours I do.
I also believe that when you travel alone you are more aware of your surroundings, therefor you experience life in high definition.
I dare you to try it if you haven't before. Take off for a weekend. Go someplace you've always wanted to see. Or just go to a town filled with fun things to do. Spoil yourself rotten. Sit on a beach by yourself and listen to your own thoughts. It might be the greatest experience of your life.
Last night a friend said to me, "I pulled a Marci. I had a free weekend at a resort and didn't have anyone to go with so I went alone and had the best time."
I love that she called it, "pulling a Marci".
It's true. I've traveled the world by myself. I've sat alone in the Piazza Signora in Florence eating decadent chocolate while reading a book as lovers strolled by arm and arm. I've stood at Jungfraujoch, the top of Europe, staring at the Swiss Alps with my arms raised out like I could fly. In Paris I walked solo through the Louvre taking the time I desired with each painting. In Kauai, I hiked through the jungles, sailed on a catamaran, snorkeled, and boogie-boarded. Africa was the most remarkable as I traveled through three countries drinking wines in South Africa, rafting the Zambezi, riding in dug-out canoes, and exploring the earth on walking safaris. One of the greatest vacations was a month in Palm Springs where I went to restore my spirit and write while relaxing every day in the Marriott's spa. It isn't strange for me to get in my car and take off in a direction with no idea where I will end up.
If I add up all the weeks I have traveled solo, it would be close to 3/4 of a year's time.
During most of these solo excursions I wasn't single. People would always remark, "You're boyfriend will let you be away that long?"
My response, "No one let's me do anything. I choose how I live my life and I don't come to a relationship without explaining that solo travel is a part of who I am." Many men have found my independence sexy. Some have had difficulties with me being away for long periods of time, but in the end, I need solo travel.
It was hard when I first started to see the world solo. I was afraid. Most of the time I didn't know the language. Loneliness smacked me in the face as fatigue would set in and I only had me to rely on. Nights were always the most difficult as I watched couples in fancy restaurants enjoying dinner while laughing.
But solo travel gave me the gift of myself. I found courage as I problem-solved my way out of glitches, such as accidentally booking a brothel instead of a hotel my first night in Paris. I came to enjoy fancy dinners for one as I took the time to eat at my pace; I savored the taste of the food, took in the ambiance of the restaurant, and enjoyed a good book.
I fear the world less. I've made friends who have shared their countries with me. I trust my instincts more and worry less when trip-ups happen in life.
When you travel with friends you're always keeping time or waiting for someone. You have to check in with what others want. This is fine, and sharing experiences is spectacular. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel with my friends and my partner, but it's a different experience.
The greatest gift of solo travel, is the time to take care of myself and not worry about anyone else. I get to spoil myself and do exactly what I feel like without needing to check in with anyone else. If I want to read till one in the morning and then sleep till eleven I can. If I want to dance till the wee hours I do.
I also believe that when you travel alone you are more aware of your surroundings, therefor you experience life in high definition.
I dare you to try it if you haven't before. Take off for a weekend. Go someplace you've always wanted to see. Or just go to a town filled with fun things to do. Spoil yourself rotten. Sit on a beach by yourself and listen to your own thoughts. It might be the greatest experience of your life.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The True Gift of Friendship
902 Days to Make 101 Dreams Come True
It's been a crazy few weeks. I'm sure most people can relate. Between trying to enjoy every special moment of the holiday season, to dealing with inner demons, the emotional ride has spun, flipped, and dropped making my stomach uneasy. In the end, I was given the greatest gift I could receive - knowing I'm loved not for what I give to others, but for who I am.
By sharing my feelings of being a doormat, a friend who was dealing with her own stuff, turned to me and held out her hand. She saw that I gave more than I had and explained that loving her doesn't mean I have to make her problems disappear. She really looked at me. I have a tendency to hide my fears, anxieties, and worries. I dance through life keeping an upbeat attitude, but it doesn't mean there isn't a storm inside. Because of this, people believe that I don't need help.
I have a history of giving the world to people. I was once called Julie, the social director from the Love Boat. I made everyone's lives fun and exciting. I was there to talk in their times of stress. When I had to back off from being the social, bubbly director, people turned and attacked.
In going after making my 101 dreams come true, I asked to find a group of positive people who loved to get the most out of life. This week, I've realized that my dream really did come true. I'm surrounded by people who have supported me in learning that it's not what I do for them that makes them love me, but it's who I am. I don't always have to be the cheerleader, I can fall apart.
Out of all the dreams that could come true, I believe this is my favorite. Thank you Jasmin, you really are a great gift in my life. And thank you to David, Todd, Kelli, Jim, Mignon, Dave, Leann, my mom, and all the others in my life who were there for me as I fell apart. I'm truly blessed.
Now it's time to get back to making this list of dreams come true. Onward to planning S. America. Two more weeks till I get to go to Gillette Stadium for a Patriot's game. Can I put in a wish for them to win too?
It's been a crazy few weeks. I'm sure most people can relate. Between trying to enjoy every special moment of the holiday season, to dealing with inner demons, the emotional ride has spun, flipped, and dropped making my stomach uneasy. In the end, I was given the greatest gift I could receive - knowing I'm loved not for what I give to others, but for who I am.
By sharing my feelings of being a doormat, a friend who was dealing with her own stuff, turned to me and held out her hand. She saw that I gave more than I had and explained that loving her doesn't mean I have to make her problems disappear. She really looked at me. I have a tendency to hide my fears, anxieties, and worries. I dance through life keeping an upbeat attitude, but it doesn't mean there isn't a storm inside. Because of this, people believe that I don't need help.
I have a history of giving the world to people. I was once called Julie, the social director from the Love Boat. I made everyone's lives fun and exciting. I was there to talk in their times of stress. When I had to back off from being the social, bubbly director, people turned and attacked.
In going after making my 101 dreams come true, I asked to find a group of positive people who loved to get the most out of life. This week, I've realized that my dream really did come true. I'm surrounded by people who have supported me in learning that it's not what I do for them that makes them love me, but it's who I am. I don't always have to be the cheerleader, I can fall apart.
Out of all the dreams that could come true, I believe this is my favorite. Thank you Jasmin, you really are a great gift in my life. And thank you to David, Todd, Kelli, Jim, Mignon, Dave, Leann, my mom, and all the others in my life who were there for me as I fell apart. I'm truly blessed.
Now it's time to get back to making this list of dreams come true. Onward to planning S. America. Two more weeks till I get to go to Gillette Stadium for a Patriot's game. Can I put in a wish for them to win too?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Aligning Your Dreams With Your Actions
909 Days Left to Complete My List of Dreams
The thing about saying that I'm no longer a doormat (check yesterday's post) is that I have to take responsibility for my part in the situation. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
What I've realized is that if I want to change how things happen in my life and how people treat me, then I need to stop saying, "Come to me with all your problems and I will be here asking nothing in return." Life and people will treat me the way I allow them to.
My focus needs to be on making my dreams come true. By putting my attention on everyone's worries and fears and trying to make their lives better I'm pushing my needs to the sidelines. It's like saying that I want to lose weight while eating three brownies with ice cream. Or declaring that I want to travel the world, but refusing to get on an airplane.
Our actions don't always align with our dreams. What we want becomes out of sync with our lives when we won't look at our fear. I feared the loss of those I loved, not being liked, and ending up alone. The idea that I might hurt someone's feelings would break me. So I gave more than I had to give. I forgave more than I should have and allowed myself to be walked all over.
When I face the fears within they become smaller. It's not easy; it's quite hard. In the end I have one life to live. Will I spend it taking care of others or will I learn to take care of myself?
The only way to be truly self-less is to first be selfish. I'm not certain who said this, but it rings true.
Everyone has dreams. Those that accomplish them put actions, thoughts, and energy towards their goals. Where are you putting your action today?
The thing about saying that I'm no longer a doormat (check yesterday's post) is that I have to take responsibility for my part in the situation. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
What I've realized is that if I want to change how things happen in my life and how people treat me, then I need to stop saying, "Come to me with all your problems and I will be here asking nothing in return." Life and people will treat me the way I allow them to.
My focus needs to be on making my dreams come true. By putting my attention on everyone's worries and fears and trying to make their lives better I'm pushing my needs to the sidelines. It's like saying that I want to lose weight while eating three brownies with ice cream. Or declaring that I want to travel the world, but refusing to get on an airplane.
Our actions don't always align with our dreams. What we want becomes out of sync with our lives when we won't look at our fear. I feared the loss of those I loved, not being liked, and ending up alone. The idea that I might hurt someone's feelings would break me. So I gave more than I had to give. I forgave more than I should have and allowed myself to be walked all over.
When I face the fears within they become smaller. It's not easy; it's quite hard. In the end I have one life to live. Will I spend it taking care of others or will I learn to take care of myself?
The only way to be truly self-less is to first be selfish. I'm not certain who said this, but it rings true.
Everyone has dreams. Those that accomplish them put actions, thoughts, and energy towards their goals. Where are you putting your action today?
Monday, December 7, 2009
The End of Being a Doormat
910 Days to Complete My List of Dreams
I've always seen the best in people. When someone is hurting, my hand extends believing they simply need love. I have tried to face all conflicts keeping the other person's feelings in my heart and mind. I have given until exhaustion and it takes a tremendous amount to push me to anger.
But since I've started this journey something is beginning to change; what I once believed was strength is beginning to look like weakness.
I've realized I let people walk all over me. For example, last year a friend's jealous girlfriend called me on a regular basis to tell me everything she thought of me and it wasn't nice. She then spread hurtful rumors (I've realized the seventh grade never ends). Instead of telling her to stick it where the sun don't shine I tried to make her feel better. After they broke up she told me how she cursed me everyday upon waking and prayed for my life to be hell. She still believes that I'm the reason she's unhappy even though I was always kind to her.
I wish this was an isolated experience, but it isn't. Jealousy has been an emotion that others have thrown at me throughout my life.
All summer my energy went to friends and their dramas. I couldn't enjoy the beautiful life I'd created because I was surrounded by people dumping their pain and depression. For the most part I felt drowned by those I loved.
I ponder the time that has passed as I have listened to people's problems and insecurities, lifting them up out of their sadness, taking care of them in their hour of need, only to have them turn and hurt me. Sucker must be written on my forehead. I will lend a hand to anyyone, but what I'm realizing is that people don't want to rise to happiness they want someone to blame for their own insecurities and problems.
I don't have time for the Eeyores of the world right now. I have 910 days to complete over sixty of my dreams. So when someone throws their bad mood at me or their problems and then walks away leaving me carrying their hurt I'm no longer taking it. I'm telling them that it isn't fair and that I can't help them at this time. This is something very new for me. I've realized I've been a doormat for most of my life - treat me however you wish and I will take it and only give you love in return.
That me is gone. I hope. Okay find the strength again.....say it with gusto....that me is gone. I deserve better in life than people who consistently come to me for the lift and then leave me exhausted. I deserve to keep my energy for my life. I deserve my own happiness and to stop carrying the sadness of others. I am responsible for my life and emotions.
The response to me saying, 'no' hasn't been positive.
But how much more of my life will I waste taking care of those who should be taking care of themselves? It's time to put that energy to more positive endeavors.
I've always seen the best in people. When someone is hurting, my hand extends believing they simply need love. I have tried to face all conflicts keeping the other person's feelings in my heart and mind. I have given until exhaustion and it takes a tremendous amount to push me to anger.
But since I've started this journey something is beginning to change; what I once believed was strength is beginning to look like weakness.
I've realized I let people walk all over me. For example, last year a friend's jealous girlfriend called me on a regular basis to tell me everything she thought of me and it wasn't nice. She then spread hurtful rumors (I've realized the seventh grade never ends). Instead of telling her to stick it where the sun don't shine I tried to make her feel better. After they broke up she told me how she cursed me everyday upon waking and prayed for my life to be hell. She still believes that I'm the reason she's unhappy even though I was always kind to her.
I wish this was an isolated experience, but it isn't. Jealousy has been an emotion that others have thrown at me throughout my life.
All summer my energy went to friends and their dramas. I couldn't enjoy the beautiful life I'd created because I was surrounded by people dumping their pain and depression. For the most part I felt drowned by those I loved.
I ponder the time that has passed as I have listened to people's problems and insecurities, lifting them up out of their sadness, taking care of them in their hour of need, only to have them turn and hurt me. Sucker must be written on my forehead. I will lend a hand to anyyone, but what I'm realizing is that people don't want to rise to happiness they want someone to blame for their own insecurities and problems.
I don't have time for the Eeyores of the world right now. I have 910 days to complete over sixty of my dreams. So when someone throws their bad mood at me or their problems and then walks away leaving me carrying their hurt I'm no longer taking it. I'm telling them that it isn't fair and that I can't help them at this time. This is something very new for me. I've realized I've been a doormat for most of my life - treat me however you wish and I will take it and only give you love in return.
That me is gone. I hope. Okay find the strength again.....say it with gusto....that me is gone. I deserve better in life than people who consistently come to me for the lift and then leave me exhausted. I deserve to keep my energy for my life. I deserve my own happiness and to stop carrying the sadness of others. I am responsible for my life and emotions.
The response to me saying, 'no' hasn't been positive.
But how much more of my life will I waste taking care of those who should be taking care of themselves? It's time to put that energy to more positive endeavors.
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