Two Year Anniversary of 101 Dreams Come True List

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of when I made my list of dreams. When I think of all that has changed in my life it amazes me that only two years have passed - thirty dreams have come to completion and my life is forever changed.

I've been thinking about the emotional state I was in when I made my list of dreams. I'd just celebrated my birthday with the present of tremendous heartache. I felt like my insides overflowed with pain and that my life had little purpose. I had no idea where I was going and I felt alone.

This past Friday I celebrated my birthday in a much different way. It started on Wednesday night, when my California parents threw me a dinner party that included lawn bowling, charades, and a whole lot of laughter and love. Friday was another party where I learned how to pole dance. (Ladies you have to try this. It's like being on the playground again, but in a sexier way.) Then my friends took me dancing. The next day, I went to Los Angeles for more celebration. I've been flooded with presents, lunches, friendship, well-wishes, flowers, and most importantly love and a sense of belonging.

Going after my dreams continues to open my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. I've been asked by someone who saw the site if I would consider speaking in El Salvador about going after dreams and focusing your mind to create the life you want. This man wants to create a foundation where we would use the website to sell fair trade products to create jobs in third world countries while inspiring people to go after their dreams of a better life. A similar opportunity is opening in Romania. I don't know if either will work, but I can dream that this journey of mine can not only change my life, but help others to change theirs as well.

In all that has come to me, I've realized that I need to stop putting a time limit on when I complete my list. I originally placed the time limit because I didn't want to lose my focus. Now that going after my dreams has become a deeper part of my being, I no longer want to rush the experience. I want this journey to take me where it will lead without preconceived notions or stress.

I've always viewed my birthday as my New Year. When I think about what I want for this coming year, I realize I want to live as decadently as I can - to taste life without fear, worry, or self-doubt. I want it all and in the process of living to the fullest I hope that I can also help others to do the same.

It's a decadent life if you want it to be - go live it that way.

It's Not About Checking Off a List, but Living It

815 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

It's 3:40 p.m. on Friday and I will be leaving for London at exactly this time in three days. My bag is almost packed (though I need to lighten it by about four pounds). My trip is in order, and except for a few errands I'm ready to go.

Over the last few months I've gone through many emotions as I built the website, made my journey public, went through relationship chaos, and pushed myself beyond my fears. I'm still unsure if going away is the right thing to do. The practical side says the money could be better utilized or that this trip will cost too much. Part of me wants to stay safe, but I began this journey for a reason, to find a way to live life more fully and I can't do that if I deny what I really want. So in three days I begin this part of my journey.

Part of the reason I had doubts about this trip is because I decided to return to Italy. I've already checked this country off my list when I lived there for a month. There are many other dreams I wish to complete, and by repeating one I feel like I'm placing myself at a disadvantage to finish my list. Then I realized  this journey isn't about checking items off a list. It's about learning what I love and what I dream about for this life of mine.

Italy was the greatest month of my life. I felt like my heart sprung open. I didn't stress. I lived every moment lost in sensations: the taste of amazing food; the way art could make me feel; how a countryside so beautiful could enliven my soul. For one month I spoiled myself to the max. There were no rules, no restrictions, and no one to care for but myself. More than that I found a place on this earth that seemed to fit me like a glove.

This journey of pursuing my dreams has awakened my mind to how beautiful life can be. I don't want each item on my list only once. I want them all for life. The fact that I get to experience Italy again makes me incredibly grateful that I made this list of dreams.

I hope I can inspire you as I travel for a month - I want you to be able to experience this journey with me. I just hope that I can do it justice.

Dream Trip Finally Came Together

822 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

It's Friday and I would like to know where the week went. The good news is that my trip to Europe is finally coming together. Wednesday the trip looked dim. Nothing was working. I couldn't find places to stay except junky hotels and frustration had set in as days passed without any progress.

Then Wednesday night I found a week in Italy in a medieval manor for a few hundred dollars. I was ready to book, but felt I should hold off since I was still awaiting news from my timeshare about my exchange for Paris. By eleven at night I decided I couldn't wait any longer - it had been six weeks and I'd heard nothing. I went ahead to book Italy. As I was ready to confirm my reservation I briefly looked at another site to be certain I wanted the hotel and when I returned to finish my booking the week was gone. I spent two hours trying to get back the reservation. I couldn't believe that in the instance I looked away my week would be taken by someone else. It was.

Frustrated I thought it was time to give up. Thursday afternoon I received an email confirming my exchange to Paris for the exact dates I would've been in Italy. An hour later another week came available at the same resort in Italy this time in April ($400 instead of $148, but nicer weather). So now I have two weeks booked. One in Paris and one in a medieval town at the Palazzo Catalani. Both have kitchens so I can cook my own meals when I desire and feel more like a local. I've also booked a week in Scotland where I plan to stay in a castle one of the evenings and travel by car around the country. There's still a lot to do.  I need to book my hotels in London, research where I want to go in Scotland, and I still need to book the ski vacation in the Alps and a flight to Rome, but I'm overjoyed and can't wait.

In one week I will be visiting Musee D'orsay in Paris, eating ricotta and pasta in Italy, seeing Les Miserables in London,  seeing the Scotland countryside, and skiing in the Alps. Talk about a dream trip. I will be able to complete seven of my dreams, but I will have experiences beyond what I can put on a list.

How was I ever thinking of quitting when this is the reward.

Forging Ahead - Not Looking Back

825 Days to Compete 101 Dreams Come True

Today I received an email from the man who sold me my car. He said, "I dedicate this day trip to you (first ride on a motorcycle), without your inspiration it would have never happened. Keep up the good work and good luck with your adventures."

I'm honored that he sent this and that he dedicated his first ride to me. As you know, if you've been reading this blog, last week I was ready to quit. After much soul searching, hours of meditation, and support from readers and those I love, I've realized many things.

The first being that I'm caught between staying where I am and forging forward to where I want to go. When I began this journey I had nothing: no stable home, no relationship, barely any friends, and no life to speak of. I was hurt, broken, and sad. Without anything to lose it was easy to go forward. In the months that followed I learned to salsa dance, went to Alaska, bought a home, met wonderful friends, fell in love, and created the life I'd always wanted. As I've been moving forward with the website and pursuing my dreams, in the back of my head I've been saying, "I want to go back to those first months after I created the list - that time felt good and safe."

I can't move ahead while I'm looking back. I've realized I have to make a choice. To move forward right now means taking tremendous risk. I don't have to do this. I can stay where I am: spend time with my friends, dance, get a part time job, live in my home, skate, be in love, and take a few trips a year. It doesn't mean I have to stop pursuing my dreams, it just means that I won't be striving to do them right now or taking the time to do the website.

Staying where I am, letting the website go, and relaxing has looked appealing. But this morning, while I was skating I realized this can't be my decision.

I'm a decent skater. I've achieved a level I never thought possible when I began the journey of making my childhood dream come true. I could stay at the level I've accomplished, win a few competitions, and just enjoy being on the ice each day. But I choose to push for more. Each day I strive to go faster, to push past my fears of getting hurt in order to skate at a higher level. I will fall many times. I will be exhausted, but with each goal I accomplish I feel pure joy. Today I saw how much I've improved in a few months by forging ahead.

Life isn't meant to be stagnant. As I've created this fight within my mind I've realized how tight I'm trying to hold to the past, but the past isn't opening its doors in the same way. I keep getting sick, friends have moved away, and honestly what once made me happy now feels redundant. When I began this journey I had nothing to lose and from that came a life I'd always wanted. Now, I have everything to lose. The stakes are higher, but I have even more to gain. I want the higher level. I want this journey to inspire others, like the man who went on his first motorcycle ride.

So I'm raising my glass to forging ahead and not looking back. My house is on the market, I've created a t-shirt store on the website in order to create revenue, and I'm going to Europe in a few weeks.  I've done everything I can and now I'm opening up to the universe to say, "I let go and I have the courage to move forward."

A Mother's Love

830 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

Thank you to everyone who has written to me about my last post - you know the one where I wanted to quit. The feeling hasn't passed yet, but I'm working on it. I still have the flu (my sixth round with it this season), and the consensus of my doctor and friends is that I need to rest in order to get healthy. Ah, yes rest. I'm sure down the road there will be time for this, but at the moment there isn't. I've decided to put my house on the market and I've spent the last two nights painting only to have to start over again. Valspur paint stinks. It streaked and didn't dry evenly so my bathroom walls look horrible.

I don't mind hard work. I cherish it. Pushing for something I want excites me and the rewards mean more when I've accomplished what I set out to do. What kicks my spirit down is when I work this hard and push to the max only to have to start over again. Today it's the painting the other day it was my life.

I told my mom how much I wanted to quit. I explained how tired and stressed I've been lately and that I don't feel I have the strength to keep going. I talked with her about returning to an easier life. My mother has watched me push since I was a kid. Fear has held her hostage as I traveled solo throughout the world and participated in crazy sports. I know she wants grandchildren and to see me married and settled-down. Her heart longs for me to move back to Boston. Last night she had one response, "Don't settle. You won't be happy."

When I hung up I thought about Eckhart Tolle's words in A New Earth, "This too shall pass." This feeling I'm experiencing is only temporary. This is the moment where it would be easy to quit. It's when most people do back down. I have no idea if I can do this. I feel like I'm at the mercy of the Gods, but I'm going to give it everything I have. Which today means standing up in this sick body, painting, planning my trip, cleaning my house, creating the t-shirts that will be sold for charity on the website, and a million other things that need to get done.  Wish me luck.

Maybe I Should Quit

832 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

Today I want to quit. I want to retreat and forget about this list. I want to return to a normal life, get a regular job and stop shooting for the stars.

I feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. I worked so hard on a fiction novel, attained agent representation only to have the book stalled with the editors for almost a year now. I gave everything I had to a relationship for a year only to have it fall apart. I'm watching my savings deplete as I create this website to inspire others to attain their dreams while I pursue mine, and I'm not sure I can do this.

I know if I do quit, if I stop going after my dreams, I can have a normal, safe life. I can get a regular job, keep my savings, live in the home that I own outright, and the person I love will no longer be threatened by my life. In fact, I could have my choice of men to be in a relationship with if I'm just willing to be more normal.  Instead of every day striving for more, moving past my fears, and taking risks, I could simply live. And it would be a good life: romantic dinners; pancakes on Sunday night while curled up watching a movie; salsa dancing once in awhile; skating; and someone who I fall asleep and wake up next to every day who loves me along with the chance for children. Right now that sounds really nice.

A friend said to me that she asked a number of men in her life if they could handle being with someone like me. All of them said, "no". The men agreed that they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who travels alone for such long periods of time or that had so much attention because she lights up a room. My friend said, "I think maybe you're meant to be alone with wonderful people who surround you, but you're too independent to be part of a relationship. No man is secure enough to be with you." My male friends tend to agree with this idea.

On top of this, I've realized that if I want to continue going after my dreams, I have to consider selling my house. I can make a profit right now, and if I pick up another house and fix it up over the course of the year it will give me the time and financial backing to continue going after my dreams. Of course there is no guarantee that my house will sell for the price I need nor will I definitely find another house to buy. It means packing and being uprooted once again. And I will have to do all of this by the end of April. But I leave in three weeks to go to Europe by myself and I still have nothing planned.

I want to quit so badly and be safe, but I can't. I know me. I will regret if I retreat. I want to see the Mountain Gorillas. I want to raft and kayak the Futaleufu. The greatest moments of my life have been when I've achieved my dreams.

I guess if this journey was easy everyone would do it. So instead of retreating, I'm going to pick myself up, go to Lowe's and buy the materials I need to finish the renovation on my house. Then tomorrow I will call the Realtor and put my house on the market. One of my dreams is to trust in God always. At this moment that trust is really being put to the test. 

Like a Moth to a Flame

838 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

I know I've been silent for many days now. To be honest, my head has been spinning with media kits, web design, press releases, search engine optimization, and a whole bunch of other stuff having to do with making this journey public. Lately, going after my dreams has seemed to take the back burner, while learning about social media has come forward. I hope that in a few weeks the website will be automated and I will be able to return to my real focus - living the most decadent life I can.

I've also been missing someone lately and when I try to write, the words crash into a brick wall of feelings. I kick and push at the bricks wanting to force them down, but I just slam harder into my heart. When I began this journey I was single, but along the way I met an amazing person who kind of lit up my world. He knew how to make me laugh. He treated me like a princess. He planned amazing date nights down to the last detail. When I was scared or hurting, he'd wrap his arms around me and life felt right.

Going after this journey ripped us apart. The more I was gone, or talked about travel, the more his insecurities exploded. Many people have said that it's my fault - that I made him feel left out. People have commented that they couldn't handle being in a relationship with me due to how I live my life - that they would be jealous and insecure. One friend said, "Do you know how hard it is watching you achieve everything you desire while I live an ordinary life?"

I don't understand. If that's how people feel, envious and jealous, then why not make their own lists and go after them? I'm not a super-hero who has all the money in the world and no worries on how I'm going to make this happen. If I can do this anyone can.

The man I left has told me numerous times that he's proud of me for going after my dreams. He's trying to deal with the insecurities my life brought out in him and we've remained friends. But lately I've been feeling that I'm kind of poison to men. There have been plenty circling. I have been called the 'honey-pot', and "There's Something About Marci", along with other not so nice terms such as, 'man-eater'. It's been said that I have freaky pheromones that cause men to be insane. The truth - going after the life you want carries a distinct passion that people find attractive. Like moths to a flame. The problem seems to lie in when they get close to the light they want it to dim. And I want to get brighter.