Maybe I Should Quit

832 Days to Complete 101 Dreams Come True

Today I want to quit. I want to retreat and forget about this list. I want to return to a normal life, get a regular job and stop shooting for the stars.

I feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. I worked so hard on a fiction novel, attained agent representation only to have the book stalled with the editors for almost a year now. I gave everything I had to a relationship for a year only to have it fall apart. I'm watching my savings deplete as I create this website to inspire others to attain their dreams while I pursue mine, and I'm not sure I can do this.

I know if I do quit, if I stop going after my dreams, I can have a normal, safe life. I can get a regular job, keep my savings, live in the home that I own outright, and the person I love will no longer be threatened by my life. In fact, I could have my choice of men to be in a relationship with if I'm just willing to be more normal.  Instead of every day striving for more, moving past my fears, and taking risks, I could simply live. And it would be a good life: romantic dinners; pancakes on Sunday night while curled up watching a movie; salsa dancing once in awhile; skating; and someone who I fall asleep and wake up next to every day who loves me along with the chance for children. Right now that sounds really nice.

A friend said to me that she asked a number of men in her life if they could handle being with someone like me. All of them said, "no". The men agreed that they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who travels alone for such long periods of time or that had so much attention because she lights up a room. My friend said, "I think maybe you're meant to be alone with wonderful people who surround you, but you're too independent to be part of a relationship. No man is secure enough to be with you." My male friends tend to agree with this idea.

On top of this, I've realized that if I want to continue going after my dreams, I have to consider selling my house. I can make a profit right now, and if I pick up another house and fix it up over the course of the year it will give me the time and financial backing to continue going after my dreams. Of course there is no guarantee that my house will sell for the price I need nor will I definitely find another house to buy. It means packing and being uprooted once again. And I will have to do all of this by the end of April. But I leave in three weeks to go to Europe by myself and I still have nothing planned.

I want to quit so badly and be safe, but I can't. I know me. I will regret if I retreat. I want to see the Mountain Gorillas. I want to raft and kayak the Futaleufu. The greatest moments of my life have been when I've achieved my dreams.

I guess if this journey was easy everyone would do it. So instead of retreating, I'm going to pick myself up, go to Lowe's and buy the materials I need to finish the renovation on my house. Then tomorrow I will call the Realtor and put my house on the market. One of my dreams is to trust in God always. At this moment that trust is really being put to the test.