Gratitude for a Trash Bin

923 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

I had a moment yesterday when I was grateful for a recycling bin. I know it sounds crazy, but as I gathered my mail and placed the overflowing pile of flyers into the bin, I realized how lucky I was to have a home. This was my recycling bin where I could place my trash and someone would take it away. I looked down at the envelopes in my hand, and though there was a bill for my health insurance premium, a sense of gratitude flooded my stomach as I realized that I had the money to pay it. I stared at my house, this place that gave me a sense of security, and it felt like a hug around my body.

Someone I know is sad today, broken without the strength to move forward. Everyone knows the darkness of pain when tragedy happens and how deep it can hurt. Today I'm grateful that I can notice the beautiful trees brilliant with color, for my warm comfortable bed, and my fluffy down comforters. I'm grateful for friends and family, for my cat curled against me. I'm grateful that I can give my friend a safe place to land.

There are many moments on this journey when I wonder how I'm going to accomplish everything I desire. I focus on my goals, and I take the steps to achieve my dreams. I get scared and frustrated as I worry about failure. Sometimes I forget to be grateful that I'm in a position to at least try for everything I want. Many people are in survival mode.

Hug someone today. Pay attention to the little details of this amazing world. Tell the people in your life you love them. Realize your abundance. It's easy to complain about the things we wish were different, but it just makes us miserable. There is enough real pain in the world and horrendous heartache. Don't let the small stuff stop you from realizing how amazing your life is right now.

Onto the Next Dream

927 Days Left to Complete My List of Dreams

There's a big smile beginning to form on my face. My heart is fluttering and I feel like I'm falling in love with what might happen. Okay, so I'm being really cheesy, but sometimes I get bored being straight forward. If I could write this blog like mini short stories that could whisk you away from daily life with scenes and sensations I would. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a perfectionist when it comes to my fiction writing that it would take all day and sometimes a week to weave a story and I would never get anything else done. I promise in the future that I will surprise you with tales of adventure that read like fiction. It will be like my blog fantasy line.

Back to today and why I'm excited. I'm starting to plan my trip to S. America. This afternoon I received an email from a rafting and kayaking company in Chile. They're outlining an amazing ten day camping itinerary that includes rafting, kayaking, camping, hiking, mountain biking, and horseback riding. The best part, they are almost half the price of the other companies I've contacted. Woo Hoo!

I can already see the aqua water of the Futaleufu. I can feel the rush of the powerful rapids as we punch through holes. To see one of the most pristine rivers left on earth is the trip of my dreams. Many more things will have to come together and I will need to do all of it in the next month. I'm hoping that I can make this a two month trip throughout S. America. I want to hike the Inca trail, see the Galapagos, the Amazon, Igaussu falls, dance the Tango in Argentina ( I better start taking Tango lessons), visit my friends in Columbia, and hang glide and scuba dive in Rio de Janeiro. Everything will need to be planned and finances arranged within the next month. I don't know how it's going to happen, I just believe that it will.

The first part is falling into place. Now I just have to wait to see how the rest unfolds.

Without a Plan

928 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

I'm a planner. I like to know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. I make lists and goals and steps to complete them.

But life never works out the way I plan.

If I really look at what I had intended for this stage of my life I would be married with children and living in a little house on a lake. But that didn't happen. Instead, I'm taking time to live for myself. I'm going after everything I desire. I'm spoiling myself and having fun. I've come to realize that in the past I squashed the tiny voice inside me that was trying to yell that I wanted time for me first. I listened to society instead of my heart.

I look at this list of dreams and I don't know how I'm going to accomplish any of it. Every day, I worry that I'm making a big mistake, but so many things have come to me in unexpected ways that I can't stop. It seems that when I decide to move in the direction of my dreams, a path, which I didn't know existed, opens up.

The cool thing about not having a plan, is that it's like having Christmas every day. I never know what surprise will happen or what idea will come to me, or who I will meet that will bring my dreams one step closer. I just have to keep walking through my fear and saying, "I can do this."

I believe that unhappiness comes from squashing the tiny voice inside that wants to get big. Many times it's suppressed because we're too afraid to listen. Then we wonder why our lives are stuck. If we let the inner voice speak, what we really want begins to manifest in our lives.

Staying True to Yourself

930 Days to Complete My List of Dreams

Before I made this list of dreams I spent most of my time trying to please others. I felt joy and love when my friends and family were happy. When I began to live for myself things changed for many people. I wasn't as available to fulfill their lives. I was still willing to be there for a friend whenever they needed me, but my focus turned more internal. As I achieved my dreams and began to live a life that over-flowed, there were people who judged me: I've been told that I'm selfish for the way I live my life; that I'm too outgoing; my long-time friend told me that she no longer respected my life. My relationship failed because he wanted me to be someone who stayed close to home. By going after my dreams I have lost many people and it stings my heart.


What's strange is that I tried to bring these friends along for the ride. I asked them to salsa dance or go skating. I shared my dreams and asked them to join me on my travels. Some friends cheered me on and asked to join. Others saw only what they would lose or their jealousy. If they would listen they would know that this journey isn't easy. I get scared, and for once I need the support from my loved ones.

In the end I can only be me. The person I want to be right now is the one that's willing to settle for nothing less than magnificence in her life. I'm proud of myself and this journey and I won't change for anyone. If someone really loves a person, shouldn't they want them to have everything they desire?

The Good Life

934 Days to make 101 Dreams Come True

When I think about my life, I see all the things that I want to make happen. Every day I imagine what it would be like to sign a book contract with a major publisher. I can envision myself traveling the world: seeing the Mountain Gorillas, diving the Maldives, and dancing the Tango in Beunos Aires. It's great to think about the wonders that I hope to experience, but it doesn't stop me from being present.

It would be easy to keep my mind in the future and feel that when the list is done then my life will be complete. This list of dreams isn't a way for me to be happy. It was at one time, but going after my list of dreams has opened me up to decadent way of living. Today I traded massages with one of my best friends. I got to skate. Tonight I'll meet with friends for karaoke, and last night I went salsa dancing. I plan on sinking into a bubble bath before I go out.

I know if you're a parent of young children, and you're taking the time to read this, you're laughing saying that it's because I'm single without kids that I get this life. You have something dear and special - these little joyful people in your life that want to play and have fun. Everyone has decadence right now. Even someone who doesn't have a home still can find a beautiful park to walk in.

It's easy to focus on what we don't have and to be jealous of others. When you look at what you do have, when you get excited about what's already right in front of you, then life becomes good. If you focus on the anger and stress and the 'woe is me' that's what you'll get. If you focus on the joy, it begins right in that moment.

Tomorrow I go after a skating test on my way to completing my dream of reaching senior level. I can choose to stress about what might go wrong, or I can be joyful that I get the chance to take it. Life is a mindset. You have the free-will to choose what you focus on.

Hard Work Pays Off

935 Days to make 101 Dreams Come True

The sun is setting outside my office window and the yellowing birch trees look the color of sparkling gold. Another day is passing into night and I wonder at my life and the 101 dreams I want to come true.

Today I went skating and practiced for my test on Saturday. One of my dreams is to complete a series of skating tests to the senior level. The senior level is what you see at the Olympics. I won't be trying for triple jumps, but I will be trying to have the edge quality and grace of the actual skating (time spent moving around the rink). To test, I must go in front of certified judges and complete specific skating patterns with speed and power. As I practiced I noticed that my stamina and strength have increased by going after this dream.

I think in this era of ideas like The Secret and our 'need it now' mentality, we forget how great it feels to work hard; to have a goal and go after it no matter what gets in our way. I've fallen on my butt many times trying to learn these patterns. I've even broken my hand, but as I skated today I felt deep pride in not letting those falls get in my way.

It's great when something comes easy. When those miracles happen....like my mom winning lottery tickets that will allow me to go after my dream of seeing the Patriot's at their home stadium. But it's even more rewarding when I've fought and worked hard to make something happen.

We want things now and we want them to be easy, but hard work makes us grow. And today, I'm really proud of how going after this list of 101 dreams has changed me: I'm stronger mentally; I've learned about technology; I've pushed through fear; and I'm happy to say, "This is me and I like myself."

Don't shy away from something that's scary or hard. It might just lead you to everything you want.

How am I going to do this?

936 days left to complete my list of dreams

I was looking at my list today and realizing that I need to get moving. Last year, without even trying, I checked off four big dreams in the first three months. This year I've only accomplished three small ones in five and a half months. At this rate, I'll never complete my list in the remaining time.

One good thing did happen that might move me towards one of my dreams. I'm a huge Patriot's fan and one of my dreams is to go to Gillette stadium to watch a game. Tickets have been impossible to get since they won their first Super Bowl. Plus, I live three thousand miles away. My mom called me last week and told me that she'd won Patriot's tickets in the lottery. Now my mom doesn't like football. She has no desire to go to a game, but she walked into the convenience store to buy a scratch ticket and something told her to buy a Patriot's lottery ticket. She won two tickets to the game, free parking, entrance to the official tailgate, and fifty dollars.  My cousin has turned the ticket in and I'm awaiting news of when I will need to fly home. So maybe magic is still working in my favor when it comes to the list. What were the chances of my mom winning these tickets?

But I'm trying to figure out how to make the rest of my dreams come true.

I'm a fiction writer. I have an agent in New York who's trying to sell my first novel. That dream is completely out of my control, but at least it's moving forward. The dream of having my book made into a movie in the next two and a half years seems impossible, but I will keep hoping.

I'm taking a skating test this Saturday which will move me one step closer to passing my Senior Moves. The next three tests will push me harder than I've ever skated, and I will have to move through a lot of fear to complete this dream within two and a half years.

Then there's the travel part. It will take almost forty weeks to see all the places I want to see. I wonder if I shouldn't leave behind my life, rent out my house, and go on a round the world trip. It would be the fastest way, but I would be away from my home life, which I love, for a long time. If I give up almost a year of skating, I might not be able to pass my tests. Plus, I will have to figure out the financial aspect. This trip doesn't consist of sleeping in hostels. I want to do some very expensive traveling: seeing Mt. Gorillas, Polar Bears, and rafting the Futaleufu in Chile.

So if you think for one moment that I'm a rich girl going after her dreams with a large bank roll, think again. I'm average. Just like you, working to make a living. I just want so much for my life and I'm going to find a way. It has to be there or else why would this drive to complete my list be so strong?

So I will be brave today and figure out which dream to go after next. I will put doubt aside and say, "This is mine."

Motivation vs. Joy

937 Days to Complete 101 Dreams

Today I went to a social network meeting to try to learn  about this web stuff. When I made this list of dreams I didn't plan on putting it up for the world to see. I'm a technology....hmmmm how do I put it......I'm not incapable, I just hate being bothered. If I'm on my computer I want to be writing, not dealing with codes, marketing, and uploading. Yuck! The good news....I might have found someone to help me. 

I was planning on leaving when a motivational speaker joined us and his presentation got me thinking.

I liken motivational speakers to that of a triple shot of espresso. They stand in front of their audience, speaking quickly and with zeal much like Evangelist priests. They have tricks, little exercises that make you see the power of positive thinking with your own eyes. They list off their impressive resumes, and always tell you the sob story of what they've overcome. Like advertisements on television, that make you long for a better, richer, fuller life,  they are hoping to sell you their secrets. You dish out the cash and return home excited for your new life to begin. You make lists of what you will accomplish: better health, more cash, stronger relationships, and brighter career.

For a small percentage of type A personalities these techniques work, but for many, just like with the latest fad diet, the program fails within weeks. The caffeine-like adrenaline high wears off and the slump occurs. Time passes. Life doesn't change. You feel like sludge as you believe that you are incapable of accomplishing anything since you failed this program. Then another seminar, book, or program comes along and you find yourself back looking for the next magic key.

Just as diets don't work long term, neither does motivation. Maybe because it's exhausting. You have to constantly push yourself and maintain a high energy level. I was once a very motivated person, and I was always stressed. It wasn't until I made my list of 101 dreams that I found the power of joy.

I love to skate. I can't wait to do it. I'll do off-ice training so that I can skate for longer periods of time. I can salsa dance all night. There was a time I spent hours in the gym beating my body into submission. I hated every minute and couldn't wait for it to be over. Now, I'm sad when I have to leave the ice or the dance floor due to exhaustion. 

When we do the things we love, when we look for joy in our lives, a natural energy occurs. Kind of like the stamina and health that comes from eating and sleeping well vs. caffeine. When we look forward to enjoying our passions we are more fulfilled.

There's a life waiting for you. The best way to find it isn't motivation, but meditation. When you go inside you'll find what really brings you joy, and you won't need caffeine to achieve it - you'll have true excitement. Think about the last vacation you went on. You didn't need to be motivated to go - you were excited. Find what makes you excited. That's the true key to living a good life.

The Beginning

939 Days to complete my list of dreams.

So there it is - the countdown clock. It's the first time I see how much time I have to reach my goal of completing 101 dreams by June 4, 2012. To see the seconds clicking by makes my stomach a little queasy. As I look at the list of dreams it seems impossible. How will I ever accomplish this in a little over 900 days. But I'm getting ahead of myself. You don't know me or the story behind this journey.

It was June of 2008, a week after my birthday, and I was in Sonoma, California vacationing by myself. It sounds fantastic, right? Stretches of vineyards glistening in the sun surrounded by hills of oaks. Wonderful food and wine to taste. A romantic setting to share with someone you love.

Except I was dealing with a broken heart. Without boring you with the sad details, lets just say I was going through a messy break-up. On top of that, I had recently sat by my brother's bed as he lay in a coma fighting for his life. He'd recently had emergency open-heart surgery from contracting MRSA (penicillin resistant Staph). Gratefully, he lived, but the stress caused a fight between my mother and sister-in-law and my family was torn apart.

I felt like my insides were a punching bag in a kick-boxing class.

To lift myself, I sat in the park writing down all the wonderful things I had accomplished in the last eight years. I've always made lists. Things I need to do. Places I want to see. Goals and achievements.
As I wrote down my achieved dreams a smile began to appear. I had forgotten what it felt like to have my cheeks pudge as my eyes crinkled. I wondered if the muscles in my face were weak after so many months without that movement.

The happiness grew and I started thinking about what I wanted for the future. The last six months, pain and fear controlled my life. I was tired of mere survival. I wanted to feel that I held my destiny in my hands. A list began to grow and when I was done I had added eighty new dreams to my completed twenty-one. I sat back overwhelmed by everything I desired. I added one more....to laugh so hard with a stranger my stomach hurt. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed.

I folded the piece of paper and put it away. Who was I to think I could have everything I wanted? I went on feeling sorry for myself and praying that someday the pain would end.

As I returned to the hotel, the concierge invited me to have a drink with two other guests. That's when the magic happened. After a few glasses of wine, a woman brought up poop, yes, poop, and told the concierge what her poop should look like to ensure good health. The concierge looked at the woman and said, "You're telling me I'm supposed to turn around and look in the toilet at that smelly s@%t! You've got to be kidding me. I don't have time to turn around and ask, 'hey how you doing today?'."

Between the look of bewilderment on her face and the sound of her voice I burst out laughing. She continued asking questions, wondering if people really did this. Tears dripped down my cheeks, my nose ran, my face cramped, and my stomach knotted with laughter.

That night, I looked at the list of dreams. What was the chance this dream would come true so quickly? What if I could accomplish all of them?

In the following weeks my life transformed. I began to salsa dance. I thought that hiking half-dome and camping in Yosemite that summer would be impossible since I needed a camping reservation six months in advance. Two weeks later, I received an invitation to go camping and hiking in Yosemite. It seemed every week a dream would come to me. Where I had been lonely and without close friends, a whole community opened. Within the first year I had checked off sixteen of my dreams - almost as many as I had accomplished in my life.

That's when I decided to pursue this list with everything I had and to share my journey. I'm a private person. I once loved the fact that I could Google my name without any hits. But this journey has been extraordinary, and I hope it can inspire others to go after their dreams.

Maybe life is supposed to be miraculous even in the midst of pain. Maybe we're meant to have everything we want. I guess I'm willing to find out. I have sixty-four more dreams to complete. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but today I place a counter on my goal. I'm hoping four years after I made the list that I will have completed it. Cross your fingers, pull up a chair, and see if I succeed.